Quote:
Originally Posted by crushed_soul
I wish for you to be well, Morgonstar. Your questions and situation are not "easy, simple" and so on. I say the aforesaid statements not with condescension, not to be cliché, not to be unhelpful and so on.
I empathize with you greatly. I am still recovering from my most recent relationship, which was of manipulation, abuse and more. Moreover, as it turned out, I was the victim. My ex girlfriend employed the "silent treatment" to me amongst other tactics of abuse and manipulation. I state the aforementioned info as an attempt to convey to you that I am just a regular person, who was also part of such abuse (that became trauma for me.) I will attempt to assist you in any capacity that I can in my post(s), but please remember that what I say is a perspective (no matter how well reasoned, insightful and so on it is or is not.)
Please understand that the "silent treatment" is abuse and manipulation. There are no "ifs" and/or "buts." Right now, you are a victim of abuse and manipulation. Please let that sink in.
Consequently, he is attempting to manipulate you (and possibly manipulating you,) whether you are conscious of it or not and/or of consciousness of the effects or not. The effects have the potential to be severe, even if you seemingly are not conscious of how the effects are affecting you. An example is that trauma (and a trauma bond) is a possibility to develop from silent treatment.
An important question is for you to ask yourself if he was manipulative and/or abusive prior to his use of the silent treatment. If so, there is more to your relationship than just the silent treatment, which needs to be addressed. If not, you ought to question to yourself what might cause him to be engaging in such tactics of manipulation and abuse. For example, is he enduring trauma, did he endure trauma earlier in his life and so on? His actions are inexcusable, but that does not entail that they are not explainable and/or something is ailing him and so on. Moreover, your relationship still seems to be a possibility to have.
Also, does he employ the silent treatment with any frequency over a period of time? Is it just lately?
Additionally, you should ask yourself if you both want and ought to be with this person, especially despite such behavior. Please attempt to exercise reason and emotion in your attempts to reply to the aforesaid question. For instance, ask yourself are you in physical, emotional and/or physical danger in staying? Are you ok with someone treating you as he is? Please do not tolerate such abuse and manipulation. If you allow him to treat you as he is, you are accepting his conditions of interaction and communication.
There are multiple options for what you could do. To start, the main two options are for you to continue or to not continue to be with him. From there, you decide if you continue in being with him, despite the silent treatment or not. Please understand that you are in control to not let him dictate to you, whether you explicitly tell and/or show that to him (e.g. tell him to stop, tell him that you will leave him) or not (e.g. just walk away without communication.) You could even counteract his silent treatment with yours, although that might result in unwanted outcomes (even so, any option you choose might result in unwanted outcomes.) (The aforesaid options are just a few and a starting point.)
As much as it may seem like he is in control, it is only the appearance of control to a degree. He is trying to appear as if he has most, if not all control and dictation in communication and interaction. Moreover, you are also in control because you (can) decide what you do (or not do) from here and how you are (are not) from here.
The responsibility rests with you as to what you choose to do (and not do) and how you choose to be (and not be.) Despite anyone else's opinion, the choice is yours.
You state that you love him and more. Thus, you might be conflicted between reason and emotion in your deciding. Please do not underestimate manipulation, abuse and/or their effects.
Again, I empathize with you immensely. It is a situation that should not be overlooked, downplayed, ignored and more.
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Hi, thank you so much for your long answer.
I am so sorry for your situation too.
I have been Reading a lot of toxic relations now, and some things I can relate to that he does, but it is also very concerning that I find that some of the signs of abusive treatment - is things he says that I do to him??
The thing that caused that angry message about I was about to learn ... was that I did not write to him for a full day and normally we write all the time and I Think it is important that we tell each other we are ok after going away somewhere special or if we spend the night somewhere else. But this day I was on a funeral of a parent and slept over at a relatives house. And I was sad both because of that and also because I did not Think that he supported me in my loss and did not send me any caring messages for my difficult day. The reason was that he was mental ill and that other Close people also needed his support urgently. But I thought he could at least have written to me that day. At least I did not deserve that kind of reply the day after. (He claimed to be worried, that I could have taken my own Life or something, that is extreme, but probably he was afraid that I Went to get Comfort from Another man)
Manipulative behaviour. I am ashamed to say but I am very eager to please-person and have Always been afraid to be anbandoned. He has some bad experience of being betrayed. I hurt him once. No cheating or flirting but I did a mistake and all his worrying that I call jealousy has been justified from him due to my early behaviours. but from other peoples perspectiuve it was not a big thing at all.
So i hoped that he would overcome this. But i actuallu dont think that was the main reason. I Think he had to have that tendency Before, because some of the things were really extreme.
But perhaps when he studied me and told me he saw me in Another way than I see myself, I started to avoid doing some things, and I felt bad when I did fun things without him while he sat home afraid about what I could do - yes that made me uncomfortable and wanted to avoid those sitations.Hm yes he did wanted to know my doings and if I did not tell Everything or forgot something he was not angry but not satisfied and that came out in some of the texts later.
I Think he has very very strong feelings inside, more than normal, and keeping them inside and worries. letting them out days or weeks later, that makes him feel bad. And me too.
But I have also wanted to help him too much, asked him every day if he was ok, and so on, and got worried if he did not reply for a half day, so I suppose I did aslo act controlling.
but he says I dont Always tell the truth, that I dont Think of his feelings when he is not there, that i am secret about my work , that I tries to make him do things else I put him on guilt trips.
so I feel like I have done wrong to him.
But he blames me partly for being sick now.
and that could be the reason to his withdrawal-
And I feel awful for that.
Really.
But inside I also feels hurt and unfairly judged. I am not that kind of person.
Anyway I Went over to him tonight to talk - but he did not open. Wrote that he slept bad and that he could not have emotionally disucssions now because he had ocd training planned for next morning. I wrote that I was unhappy and so on because he did not want to tell me anything why he broke Contact. I have also wrote that if he want to break up he must at least say it to me, but no discussions needed, 5 minutes is ok .
But he does not answer.
I dont know. Is he really feeling anxious and sick and can not talk to me. Or is this toxic behaviour? At least I feel I am not Worth this treatment. Noone is.
2 weeks now.
If I see him as sick I want to help him. but this silence is torture. I can not mourn the realtionship and I cant go on with my Life. And how can I press a sick person?
So even if he wants to continue, I dont know if I can be or should be with someone that treats me this way?
Even if I have made mistakes a long time ago.
But oh it is like clear now, how could he not support me in my sorrow?
Well I sound like an old song on repeat.
I will sleep on it again.
Thanks so much for taking time to answer.
And yes, do you feel that you ever can trust someone again after this relation?
Is it like you do not know who you are, because you have been played or manipulated for so long time?
How did you manage to find the joy in Life again?