Today's session was indescribable......

I came in a bit of a mess because of what took place this morning that basically involved some sort of very angry part raging when I tried to add some color to my hair for fun (it flipped out on me about how I"m pretending, how I'm just doing the color to make my physical appearance change to 'prove I have parts') before I knew it I was in the shower washing it out very aggressively (no lost time, mind you, just...it was really a strange experience...it was a compulsion so great I couldn't resist it).

When I'd told C about this (while cowering behind my hands because part of me wanted to tell him but MOST of the parts were terrified...the fear this angry part left in its wake is like a fungus...), at first C seemed really connected... I felt encouraged. I began talking about my fear of screwing up my daughter...about how this violent part has popped out before around her, including recently when she was being very whiney -- I was ENTIRELY FINE, guys not even annoyed at all, but suddenly my mouth opens and I say to my husband "I swear if she doesn't stop, I'm about to lose my s*** on her." ?!?! wtf?! I said to C "It made NO SENSE?! Where is that coming from?! I was totally fine! That wasn't even how I felt!"

Well, then he made this...statement...at this point, guys, my memory is VERY unclear as the words are twisted in my head, so I am not 100% sure I'm getting this totally right:

"TMC, I don't think DID is your problem. I don't think multiple personalities are your problem. I don't think parts are your problem. Your problem is intrusive obsessive thoughts." (What I can't recall is if he said "TMC, I don't think you have DID") ALL I hear from this was "TMC, you don't have parts." and in that moment, literally every connection just snapped....I was ready to leave and never come back. In that moment, I felt he had played me for a fool -- led me on so I'd talk about this openly and was now saying "tmc, after observing how far into this dillusion you're willing to go...here's my REAL conclusion..."

Absolute. knife slash across my stomach moment.... that. was. it. like a bomb exploded in my head and the world ended again.

GSD snapped up front: I said "Let me just stop and clarify: I do not have DID. I never claimed to have DID. I know that I do not have DID." To which C said "I do not think you have DID."

Me: "Neither do I."

C: "So we're on the same page."

Me: "But, do you believe I have parts?"

C: "I believe parts are a universal experience"

......guys, right back to the same *******ed place......

I threw up my hands and said "just never mind. nevermind."

him after a pause: "Well that did not go well."

it is impossible for me to even try to piece together the full conversation, but eventually he literally said to me "I need you to listen to me. I don't just think the parts aren't a problem, I think they are a good thing. I am very excited to work with them. I think that is very important. I think that your fear is a huge obstacle."

Adult me knows what he was trying to get across is "your parts, while scary to you, aren't a problem to be solved. They aren't bad things." But, guys, I am just....I can't seem to get past what I THOUGHT happened...

C told me "you have one of those kinds of brains, a kind you're born with, that takes fear and blows it up and will not let it go." Yes... yes, this is true. That OCD diagnosis, here it is: obsessive obsessive obsessive.

At one point, talking about a mistake I made as a mom, I even said "My brain just takes it and blows it up into this huge, violent thing." He got excited at that like "YES that's the point I am making....your brain takes things and blows them up into these terrifying things."

Oh oh, but of course... I brought up "Well now my brain is telling me 'maybe all those traumas you remember, maybe that's exactly what you did with those...took something small and blew it up"

C was very direct that that's not what he believes, that that is not what my brain does.

....

I can't even remember the order of things all i know is I cried a LOT in session today, I even said to him at one point "I don't even know why I'm crying??" I was sobbing about my daughter....

ugh it was a mess. This session was ....I want to say it was f-ing awful, but also maybe it wasn't, maybe it just FELT awful.

I really feel I angered him too...in the end, I was saying to him "I just need us to be ok before we leave..." and he was having me observe and say aloud his actual physical body language to analyze the situation, and I just...couldn't seem to stay external to my head....

He made a comment about it being dangerous to be "too much internal" and I felt super criticized...like a failure.

I honestly feel godawful right now. Very sick to my stomach. Everything is awful, and yet...I had to come home and work... and I don't even know what to do... I want to reach out to him, but I'm SCARED to because I feel so completely awful.

I just feel so sick.