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crushed_soul · 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100

Hi, thank you so much for your long answer. I am so sorry for your situation too.

I have been Reading a lot of toxic relations now, and some things I can relate to that he does, but it is also very concerning that I find that some of the signs of abusive treatment - is things he says that I do to him??

I apologize for a lengthy reply. With that said, I tried to directly respond to each of your questions, concerns and main ideas. I am trying to write concisely as I am conscious of not sacrificing content for the sake of length and attempting to write sufficient replies.

There is no need to thank me. As I said, I am just attempting to left support and assist someone else in a heartwrenching situation. Haha, thanks. I appreciate your empathy.

When you ask, "...very concerning that I find that some of the signs of abusive treatment - is things he says that I do to him" are you stating that he claims that you are abusing him? If so, you ought to ask yourself if you are indeed abusing and manipulating him. You might not even be conscious that you are consciously doing so.

If you are not abusing and manipulating him, he is performing another tactic of abuse and manipulation to which you might be aware of called "projection." If he is indeed projecting, that is already another form of abusive and manipulation. In which case, there is probably more to him and your situation than just abusive and manipulation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100

The thing that caused that angry message about I was about to learn ... was that I did not write to him for a full day and normally we write all the time and I Think it is important that we tell each other we are ok after going away somewhere special or if we spend the night somewhere else. But this day I was on a funeral of a parent and slept over at a relatives house. And I was sad both because of that and also because I did not Think that he supported me in my loss and did not send me any caring messages for my difficult day. The reason was that he was mental ill and that other Close people also needed his support urgently. But I thought he could at least have written to me that day. At least I did not deserve that kind of reply the day after. (He claimed to be worried, that I could have taken my own Life or something, that is extreme, but probably he was afraid that I Went to get Comfort from Another man)

Ok, so, I immensely apologize for not noting in your initial post that he is indeed engaging in more than one form of abuse and manipulation. When he said that you were to "learn" from what you "did" as he attempted to justify his unjustifiable behavior, he is also attempting to convince you of guilt and blame you (shifting the blame.) Additionally, as other posters indicated, he is being apathetic to your feelings, you, your family, your situation and more.

(I failed to consciously mention the aforesaid statements in my original post because I attempted to respond to you as quickly as possible while trying to address all of your questions, concerns and main ideas and write an ample response.)

Would you be so kind as to verify if your significant other is the one with mental illness when you write, "the reason was that he was mental ill?" If he is mentally ill and you are aware of that he is, you also ought to incorporate his mental illness as a factor in your decision making for your decisions on the topic of being with him or not (and other interconnected topics.)

You should try to find out if his mental illness is temporary (or not,) if it is the source of his abusive and manipulation (or not,) will he not change (or change,) and more questions. Each aforesaid question is (most likely) extremely difficult to figure out, especially for someone such as you, who is on the inside of the relationship and the abuse and manipulation.

With that said, you, your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual safety and well being are most important and should never be overlooked, ignored, downplayed, and so on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100

Manipulative behaviour. I am ashamed to say but I am very eager to please-person and have Always been afraid to be anbandoned. He has some bad experience of being betrayed. I hurt him once. No cheating or flirting but I did a mistake and all his worrying that I call jealousy has been justified from him due to my early behaviours. but from other peoples perspectiuve it was not a big thing at all.

So i hoped that he would overcome this. But i actuallu dont think that was the main reason. I Think he had to have that tendency Before, because some of the things were really extreme.

Please, do not be ashamed. Maybe, consider, addressing your fears of abandonment and why you are eager to please people. The two aforesaid behaviors are traits that you should find out why you are like as you are. Depending upon the circumstances, maybe, try to change from how you are in those areas.

If what you did was indeed a "mistake," a mistake should not disrupt your relationship to a high degree and continue to disrupt it in the present. Mistakes happen. People (try to) learn from them as they go forward in life. As a couple, the two of you should go forward together as you two decide how to do so (e.g. talking through it or some other means) while the mistake stays in the past (as in no harboring grudges and so on.)

Evidently, your significant other allowed your "mistake" to affect him to the point that he was jealous and held both your "mistake" and his jealousy against you. His aforementioned actions are not ok. As a couple, you two should be alright with discussing such concerns (there are multiple approaches in how people resolve differences as you are aware.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100

But perhaps when he studied me and told me he saw me in Another way than I see myself, I started to avoid doing some things, and I felt bad when I did fun things without him while he sat home afraid about what I could do - yes that made me uncomfortable and wanted to avoid those sitations.Hm yes he did wanted to know my doings and if I did not tell Everything or forgot something he was not angry but not satisfied and that came out in some of the texts later.

If possible, would you please explain "he studied you" as in what did he do and how?

From what you just described, he is engaging in more instances of manipulation and abuse. Moreover, he is attempting to both control (and dictate) and condition you, which is intolerable and unjustifiable. Please, do not allow or accept his control, conditioning, and dictation. If you do, you are further allowing him to mistreat you in other possible forms. Additionally, you are allowing him to further control you and condition you. Again, his aforesaid actions are of manipulation and abuse.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100

I Think he has very very strong feelings inside, more than normal, and keeping them inside and worries. letting them out days or weeks later, that makes him feel bad. And me too.

When you say that he has "very, very strong feelings inside," is that in general, in reference to his feelings for you, both, neither, or?

You should ask yourself whether he has trouble expressing his feelings (and himself,) is pretending to do so, is passive aggressive (or not). I am not judging if what he is doing in this case is ok or not because more info seems to be needed here to explain his behavior.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100

But I have also wanted to help him too much, asked him every day if he was ok, and so on, and got worried if he did not reply for a half day, so I suppose I did aslo act controlling.

but he says I dont Always tell the truth, that I dont Think of his feelings when he is not there, that i am secret about my work , that I tries to make him do things else I put him on guilt trips.
so I feel like I have done wrong to him.
But he blames me partly for being sick now.
and that could be the reason to his withdrawal-
And I feel awful for that.
Really.
But inside I also feels hurt and unfairly judged. I am not that kind of person.

If you are merely asking him how he is doing, checking on him and well being and so forth, you are not being controlling. You are attempting to act on your care and feelings for him. Moreover, you are exhibiting empathy. A most succinct (maybe, overly succinct) definition of "control" is to dictate and/or intimidate. Ask yourself if you are attempting to dictate him, intimidate him, manipulate him and so on.

Again, he seems to be projecting and trying to convince you of responsibility, guilt and blame. All three aforesaid actions are manipulative and abusive. More than likely, he is attempting to do so not just to control you, but he also deceives himself into being of the consciousness that he is not guilty (of anything and to any degree) to blame (for anything and to any degree,) nor responsible (for anything) because you are guilty, to blame and responsible.

Consequently, he tells himself that he is fine, is not doing anything harmful to you, is not mistreating you and so on. As a result, he continues as he is (and not attempting to consider his behavior, change his behavior and so forth.)

The effect of you feeling hurt and unjustly judged is probably yet another sign of manipulation and abuse. Moreover, his manipulation and abuse is indeed successfully (in the perspective of if the manipulation and abuse are "working" or not) affecting you in conditioning you to be manipulated, abused and much more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100

Anyway I Went over to him tonight to talk - but he did not open. Wrote that he slept bad and that he could not have emotionally disucssions now because he had ocd training planned for next morning. I wrote that I was unhappy and so on because he did not want to tell me anything why he broke Contact. I have also wrote that if he want to break up he must at least say it to me, but no discussions needed, 5 minutes is ok .

But he does not answer.
I dont know. Is he really feeling anxious and sick and can not talk to me. Or is this toxic behaviour? At least I feel I am not Worth this treatment. Noone is.
2 weeks now.
If I see him as sick I want to help him. but this silence is torture. I can not mourn the realtionship and I cant go on with my Life. And how can I press a sick person?
So even if he wants to continue, I dont know if I can be or should be with someone that treats me this way?
Even if I have made mistakes a long time ago.
But oh it is like clear now, how could he not support me in my sorrow?

When he told you that he "could not engage in emotional discussions" with you, he might exhibiting denial in his responsibility and actions, deflecting responsibility and fleeing from responsibility and actions. Not only is the aforesaid behavior self-deception, but it is also manipulative and abusive because he dodges any attempts on your part to (rationally) communicate on such matters.

You ought to ask yourself why he did not discuss such content with you. Moreover, it is most likely not a matter of "could" not because he had both the ability and choice to decide to speak with you; however, he choose not to do so. Thus, he "did" not speak with you as opposed to "could" not speak with you.

Please, remind yourself that you should not let him dictate. When you state to him to tell you about "breaking up," you are offering him the option to control and dictate; therefore, you are transferring power to him. Additionally, you are allowing him to control and accepting his control.

Again, you would need to try and find out as well as ask yourself why he would not chat with you, even if he were to be anxious, sick and so forth. Is that what is preventing him from speaking with you? Is there another cause, motive, and so on?

His behavior are yet another possible instance of silent treatment and other forms (e.g. lying, deception, and others) of abuse and manipulation.

Your question again indicates his lack of empathy and unconcern with you, your life, your feelings and more. What you divulged in your latest post to me and in your thread in general seems to point to the possibility and even probability that he is not simply manipulating and abusing you. Whether he is of a personality disorder or another possibility (e.g. temporarily disrupted to the point of lacking empathy,) he does not seem to be just manipulating and abusing you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgonstar100

Well I sound like an old song on repeat.
I will sleep on it again.

Thanks so much for taking time to answer.

And yes, do you feel that you ever can trust someone again after this relation?
Is it like you do not know who you are, because you have been played or manipulated for so long time?
How did you manage to find the joy in Life again?

Please continue to reflect, think and research as you protect yourself and keep in mind for your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health. Do not hesitate to talk to others about this.

Please also keep in mind that everyone might have an opinion, including I and my opinion, but you need to analyze if the opinion is insightful (or not,) helpful (or not) and more. Also, consider a professional opinion.

No need to thank me. I am just trying to offer any assistance and to be conscious of not offering what might seem as "assistance" to me (even to you,) yet it is not of assistance to you.

When you write "trust someone again," are you referring to anyone in general? If you are asking about anyone in general, I would assert "yes" and "yes" even to dating someone else other than the abuser and manipulator. If you are referring to the abuser and manipulator, I would reply differently.

I am still very much struggling as I try to recover and heal. If you choose, my thread is still on the first or second page of this sub forum and begins with "Brokenhearted..." Again, if you choose, you might read it and find some helpful (or not) info.