Good question Sister and one that dredges up so much.

On the way home from work tonight, I was thinking what is the point of all of this? I've allowed myself to be vulnerable for the first time ever and when this is 'over' it is over. It is the finality of it all.

He doesn't care for me the way I care for him. This is a business relationship with intimate aspects to it. And the intimacy is all ours and not theirs!!!!!!

Sometimes I hate that I walked through his door two years ago. Other times, I'm so very glad I did.

Sometimes it really feels like a real close friendship or big brother relationship. Then I think, yeah me and the rest of his patients... @#$% him!!!!!

You are right the pain is unbearable when I let myself think this way. Even though in reality, I know what our 'relationship' is and isn't, that does NOTHING TO SOOTHE ME.

Thanks for letting me shout. Great thought provoking question.