Quote:
Originally Posted by Amyjay
I can relate.
I have made peace with it like this:
I can't ever truly "know" what happened. It is highly unlikely there will ever be actual real evidence of my/their memory being validated. If I wait for some kind of external validation before I allow myself to give validation to my own self-parts, then I may not ever be able to do that.
On the other hand abusers are invested in children not telling the truth to others. To do this they invalidate their victims, make them doubt themselves, their own reality, their own knowledge, their own perceptions, their own truth etc etc. Then throw in some DID where we have spent our whole lives denying our own truth and splitting it off from ourselves then of course we are naturally not going to trust our own inner experiences. We have spent our whole lives actively denying avoiding repressing forgetting our own reality. We have conditioned ourselves to believe it is not real.
So we find ourselves in this situation where we have no outside source of The Truth and an internal experience that is telling us it is real but we don't believe it possibly could be. On top of this, it is really unlikely there will ever be an external source that can confirm The Truth.
What can we do?
Maybe we just have to trust that we entered this world as a child of God perfect in every way. That perfect human being that we once were then had experiences.... hurtful experiences... sometimes soul destroying experiences.
But in the beginning there was just that child of God, pure and true.
Remembering this helps me listen to my selves.
Maybe some part of this will help you too.
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My Brother, who is two years older than me and who abused me physically, emotionally, and psychologically my whole childhood, still tries to claim that it was all me. I told him of the other Mothers, who lived in the neighborhood while I was growing up, who verified to me late in life that they knew I was being abused by my Brother. These women said they tried to get my Mother to tell my Dad what my Brother was doing to me. He beat me up around the neighborhood on a daily basis. After telling my Brother this, I could hear him grinding his teeth on the other end of the phone line.
He called me a few days ago. I am not sure what his motivation was but I assumed it was about our family tree on ancestry.com. But in our conversation, I said that our parents probably should not have had children. I told him that they did not even try to parent their children. I could tell that my Brother was about to blow up. He will get violently mad at me for statements like that. But after Dad died and he was made executor over Dad's trust fund, he did nothing to take care of Mom. He said that Mom would talk about sex in front of his young daughters and he could not stand to be around her. I simply told him to tell his daughters that Mom was mentally ill.
It was my worry over my Mom that eventually caused me to crack up. I was trying to get treatment for this dissociative disorder thing that my Mom and Brother caused me to have. I was not financially or emotionally stable enough to take care of her. Just another way that my Brother helped to destroy my life.