I'm not sure what I'm experiencing but I'm very frightened.
For the last couple months my anxiety has been the worst it's ever been. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for years, but this is something else.
I can feel somewhat normal most of the time, but occasionally I'll be consumed with a feeling of total separation from reality. It’s really hard to explain.
So for example, tonight: I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and I could not stop thinking about how horrible being alive is and how horrible it is that I’ll have to be alive for a long time. I opened my laptop and tried to watch a happy show to bring me out of it, but it seemed pointless. The jokes and smiles and happy music seem foreign, and almost mocking.
I feel completely divorced from humanity, in the sense that everyone seems fine with being alive, while I’m afraid of it.
When I get in this state, it’s almost as if I’ve stumbled into a horror movie. I start to wonder if I’m existing in a hell-like reality that is only meant to make me suffer.

This is incredibly hard to explain and I don’t think I’m doing it justice. Basically, when this happens, I become consumed with the idea that I shouldn’t keep going. My physical body feels like a prison. No amount of soft pillows and blankets can make my body feel comfortable.
Being safe and warm in my own bedroom feels just as terrifying as walking out into the cold night with no shoes or coat. All I can do is take my sleep meds and hope to feel better when I wake up.

This feels like the beginning of the end. This feels like the first steps into total madness. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Can anyone relate to this, even a little bit?