my views on this have changed over the years, various ways and directions. for a while early on, i use to think it was better that it was me who had to deal with 'this' cuz i was strong enough to handle it. .....um, i guess i don't really think too much of that any more, but in a way it might be true.

after this long, it just wears on you and continues to wear you down. honestly, im not sure how much fight is left in me, which is something i haven't told anyone.

but part of me kinda thinks everything i've been thru and holding it together all these years HAS to count for something, even if barely anyone knows it. cuz most in my shoes wouldn't have held on this long - so i was told!

one of the more harder things is being 'stuck' for ssssoooo long - watching the world and everyone else go by and continue on. it's like i'm on display at a frickin' museum, preserved & unable to move but still able to see others come & go and live pass me by.....