When the pain gets really unbearable, I sometimes retreat. It's a natural defense mechanism. T says it's OK. Then come at it again another day.

Therapy has been really healing for me and I feel I have more to do. The pain has been extreme at times. I know I could not do this by myself. What allows me to go through all this pain is that I have T with me. I'm not alone, even when I am not with him. It helps so much. One time in therapy, we were doing this major painful thing, and the waves of pain were just coming over me. It was like I was in an ocean and I would get ready to say something, try to say something, and the wave would just sweep over me. It was very physical. T could even see the waves coming before I could. He would say, "here comes another one," and it would hit and practically knock me over. I can write about this now with some equanimity. It was so painful then, but like childbirth, another painful physical experience, I seem to have somehow blocked out a lot of the memory. I do remember it being an amazing experience, to go through that much pain, physical pain, while sitting on a couch in someone's office. T was so great in helping me through that. He told me after, he wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it through and that I would abandon the effort and retreat and not push through. He said he was proud of me for doing it. I think I showed a lot of courage that day and I feel proud of myself too.

Therapy is a crazy thing. I don't really understand all that I have experienced. A lot has been painful and there is more to come. But there's been a lot of joy too, in unexpected places and moments. I am much happier now than when I began therapy, and I've experienced some healing. This is definitely worth it for me. I hope I don't have to "stop" before I have accomplished all I hope to.

sister, I hope you can find your way to a place where it seems worth it to you.