It was weird today. The power was out in the clinic. Another therapist who was leaving said a transformer blew, but thankfully the offices get a lot of natural light.

With apparently the marked exception of Bubbles' office. So we were in someone else's room. The chair was more comfortable than his loveseat so there was that. He said that it was good to see me as he collected me from the waiting room, and again as we sat down. I laughed. He said no, seriously, because the alternative wouldn't have been good. I said that wasn't true. That I could have chosen to reenact past patterns and never come back. He said he was glad I hadn't done that.

He said that he wanted to keep it light today, which I thought was a good idea. He said that eventually he'd want us to do a "formal" safety plan in light of our last session, but that didn't need to be today. I said I'd rather just get it over with.

The plan took most of the session. He made some observations about my behavior when I'm activated. That when I'm distressed I don't make eye contact. I said, and I do when I'm not distressed? He laughed and said some, but obviously was a struggle for me. He also said I was engaging in a lot of concrete thinking. That there was only one solution to a problem.

At some point the topic of deescalation came up, and I said it took me until the next afternoon to settle down. "Was there something tangible where you are able to say that this was the moment you calmed down?" I said it probably sounded psychotic, but I felt a weight lift when I stared my period. That the 24-36 hours directly before I'm a lunatic. He said that obviously he'd never experienced that, but it sounded awful. Was I on birth control to help? I glared at him and he said, oh, of course not. He took notes of all of this. Well, he's just a note taker in general.

I don't remember around what, but I was starting to get anxious and said "I don't want to think about this anymore." He replied, "okay then, what do you want to think about?" Before even thinking, I blurted out "PUPPIES." We talked about puppies for a couple of minutes, which led to me talking about graduate school and the importance of mental health services within the school environment.

Time was almost up, and he asked me if there was anything about our last session that I wanted to talk about. I said that I still feel deep shame about the whole thing. That I felt like he didn't have a good impression of who I was as a person, but probably had an accurate impression of my disease. That it was unfortunate that we couldn't meet last week to discuss this all because it'd probably be helpful, but right now the whole thing has been beaten to death.

He replied that he was glad I have a good support group around me who was able to support me through all of this. He reiterated that he was glad I came today. I said that part of me was afraid he was going to terminate, but I'd felt assured that he wouldn't. He said he was happy he was able to convey his willingness and desire to work with me.

I joked that I was getting a lot of my usual BS out of the way early, and he said if that's the case then we might be able to do some good work quickly. That this was the beginning of a long journey, but that he was hopeful I'd be able to do this.

Scheduled for next Friday, paid, and left (on time!)