Quote:
Originally Posted by missbella
It seems your dilemma hinges on punitive labels and assumptions, quitter, this self-imposed burden to mend the rupture. It sounds like a harsh imposition overseeing you.
I did myself great damage perceiving therapy as some sort of moral imperative, some purification I must undergo to be worthy. So my irrationality kept me too long with an arrogant, unskilled, disdainful therapist team that disliked me and did great hurt. My self-assignment to make it work with them only did damage.
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I am so sorry you were hurt in this way.
Yes, for some reason I do feel a weight and responsibility to "fix it". But for this rupture I'm trying to let go of that and just step back and have him take the lead because I'm exhausted. The pressure of it is too much. I feel like I'm working too hard if there is such a thing in therapy.
My T is not a bad guy. T's are just regular people and he just let his stuff get in the way. It's all out in the open now and he seems eager to work through this rupture too.
The main reason I sought therapy was because I was tired of the way I was living. It was out of desperation of wanting a different life.
But I don't feel worthy of the life I want and cling on to the idea that therapy will change me into that person who will finally be worthy. I so desperately want to be someone else.
This is such a painful process.
Sometimes these lyrics from an Adele song are the only ones that help me get in my car and drive to T's office: "To earn my stripes I'd have to pay and bare my soul."