I have dug underneath the hate, just like you can dive under a wave when it is crashing, and get safely to the other side. I figured out what my needs were in the situation with my ex. I tried to figure out what his needs were. My need for financial security and independence can coexist with his need of being known and included. I need to practice diving under. I prefer to fire back or duck for cover and feel sorry for myself, or deflect, or detach. I think I will always come to the back of the classroom and sit with the people who feel better when they are alone because that is what usually happens to them and that is what will probably happen in the future, given their circumstances. I just need to master not turning into the Terminator when I feel other people's **** crashing onto me. Maybe I can say my needs and then transform. I have had some really troubled people in my life.