I ended up doing a binge watch of a Netflix show the past couple of days to try desperately to get myself out of whatever state it was that I was in. It worked. Today, I feel better than I have in quite awhile it seems. Being in that state, I feel majorly vulnerable, and I am still afraid that I am going to go into work and the same state will return. It is so painful and it evokes an intense amount of shame, and I just can't articulate how disturbing it is using words.

When I am like that, it is like I am in my own world and nobody knows that I'm even missing. But I start thinking that other people feel the same way I do about myself, because that state is so intense, I have a hard time believing that anyone wouldn't notice it. I heard you when you tried to tell me in so many words that the other people might not have a clue.

During the episode of terror/shame, I am costantly experiencing an onslaught of intrusive thoughts, and ALL of those thoughts carry a valence of shame. Whenever at work I try to distract myself, I can't. Even when I am working. SO I become avoidant of working because I'm not there, I am trying to tolerate affect, so when I am doing my job, I find in highly irritating because time slows down and goes second by second and it is too much for me to handle.

So even now, I am dreading going back to work on Monday. I am dreading the slowing down of time. It's like torture having to feel massive shame and massive pain at the second by second existence.

I feel like I am just rambling. But I don't think I am.