I'm getting older, started college awhile ago, and have a pretty much full time job. I've notice my relationships with people getting worse and worse and it seems like since about the first year of high school it has been continuing down to this point. I don't try to make friends anymore and when people ask me if i want to do something, or to come over because there going to have a party I feel extreme anxiety and fear. I was once a very friendly person but have become very quite and reclusive. I avoid talking too much with people because i'm afraid of what they will think of me. I'm afraid of how they see me, and i'm deep inside afraid of the person i may be as well. This is one of my problems i'm dealing with and i'm here because i'm wondering what may be causeing it.
The heart of my problem with avoiding people is because i have been frequently asked if i'm gay, or been acused of being. I wonder why people ask me that because i'm usually just doing normal things and what not, but yet this question will surprise me out of nowhere. I'm not like your typical t.v. gay personality type and i actually consider myself to be pretty boring and serious. Because of this fear that has developed since people have asked me if i'm gay I've wondered if i really am. And have thought alot about what i do that would make them think that. I do have more feminin characteristics than maybe most but that can be found and described in my Astrology description. But I still do wonder if i am gay and it scares me to the point where i'm pale and shacky. Because of my fear that people will think this i actually try to act differently then i would otherwise and try to be more serious and angy like. I don't know why I think doing this would make people think i'm not gay but for some reason this is what i do and it tends to backfire and more people think I am even more because i'm trying to cover something up and acting different. I have no problem with people who are gay or anything and have fellow co-workers who I consider friends, though haven't gone out with probably because i'm afraid, that are openly gay. Because of my fear that i think people will think i'm gay i don't have new friendships and have tried to loose the existing one's by becoming so reclusive. Though much to my dismay I still have a friend who keeps in touch while serving on his LDS mission, but my former girlfriend, now x and no longer trying thankyou, thinks that I am gay and that my friend is really more than just a friend. Oh coarse i've never told him about my fear and nothing of that sort has ever come across verbally or otherwise. I don't feel like I can have any friendships with anyone without her thinking I'm gay and i'm attracted to them or something. I'm confused but definately prefer freindships with girls because i don't usually have to worry about them wondering if i'm gay. I need help at this point, I don't know if i'm gay or not, but i don't ever imagine having sex with a guy or stuff like that so don't say " well are you sexually attracted to men?"
All i can say for sure is there is an uncomfortable tension when i'm around people, more so with guys either because they think i'm gay or i'm just a nerd or something. I haven't always been a nerd so I don't know people just want to stay away from me because i'm uncool now. Is the problem all in my head or am i gay? how do i know? thanks