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Morgonstar100 · Mar 03, 2018, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crushed_soul

I apologize for a lengthy reply. With that said, I tried to directly respond to each of your questions, concerns and main ideas. I am trying to write concisely as I am conscious of not sacrificing content for the sake of length and attempting to write sufficient replies.

There is no need to thank me. As I said, I am just attempting to left support and assist someone else in a heartwrenching situation. Haha, thanks. I appreciate your empathy.

When you ask, "...very concerning that I find that some of the signs of abusive treatment - is things he says that I do to him" are you stating that he claims that you are abusing him? If so, you ought to ask yourself if you are indeed abusing and manipulating him. You might not even be conscious that you are consciously doing so.

If you are not abusing and manipulating him, he is performing another tactic of abuse and manipulation to which you might be aware of called "projection." If he is indeed projecting, that is already another form of abusive and manipulation. In which case, there is probably more to him and your situation than just abusive and manipulation.

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Hi
I have been thinking and reflecting a lot. No I can not seethat I have been manipulative or abusive. I think it is projection.
Mental ill was a bad translation. Depression. Stress affected, tired, no energy¨. Very big issues with sleep. And he got OCD problems recently. Need to control how tings or people are being moved and placed. (He put a bit blame on me for those problems,I caused him anxiety that caused OCD)
It feel terrible if that is true but I dont Think you can blame someone else for that?
I think he is very sensitive in both good and bad wayfor him. He feels emotions very strong but he can not show them ortalk about them easily. He hides anger inside for long time. He can not reallyleave things from the past, he gets sad when thinking of them and he thinks alot of them. I wanted us and him to focus more on the now and our future, buthe said I could not just pretend things never happened, you must learn fromthem. Yes of course… OK so then he saw me as a person that wanted to pretendthings never happen and that made him worry, if I did something wrong /beingunfaithful, would I not tell him then? Of course, I would not do anything butif I did I would tell. But well, “you are a person that has easy to forgiveyourself and you pretend things never happens if they are painful”. And I was objecting to that, but “he saw whathe saw”.
About studying me - I then felt he was judging me sometimes.He said he studied my behavior with other men when we were out or somewhere.And that made me feel uncomfortable. If youare looking for signs that someone might flirt or so, you will find signs, right? How you look at someone and how Close you stand. and I did not recognice the situation how he described it from my point of view.
He also said I said and promised one thing and then made theopposite. So I was a person that said one thing to calm him and then when hewere not there, I ignored him totally (his words but less offensive).
And OK, yes I could not disagree but I tried to explain. Itwas on business trips and I promised to be in contact all night and then I wasat the room a bit later than I said, or the battery was out for half an hour becauseI could not find the charger and things like that. 4 times in 2 years thosethings happened. And they were honestly not that bad. But I did listen andunderstood and apologized his disappointment even if I was a bit disappointedhe could not accept or forgive those things. But I also got angry after a whilebecause he was taking the discussion very long and for a long time, so I couldget angry when I felt I had to protect myself from being diminished or how todescribe it. So – I was not reliable and I also reacted with anger when hewanted to say he was hurt – so there he had another of my negative traits.
As you might understand he was really scared that I wouldhurt him by being unfaithful. Like very jealous in a suspicious way, Sometimes I felt controlled. Or manipulatedthrough guilt, it was terrible for him every time I travelled with work so Ijust wanted to say no to work for example. He also said some times that he could not bear to go out and see friends and have beer if I also Went out, could I please just stay home so he did not have to worry and get ocd? That felt wrong.
Well. I love him –but I am not happy as I should be because I dont feel he loves me back. I was disappointed from the lack of support in my grief.And when he started the silent treatment now I think he just discards me.And Ishould not accept the silent treatment.
I have done everythingI could these weeks to get an answer. Called, visited, messed. He has texted afew times that he feels bad and that he has no energy to discuss or meet me. Iwanted onlu 5-10 minuits, I realise we need to break up but in afriendly way. I asked if he see us asover? He does not reply. I asked him if he could not speak shortly, that his behaviorsays me we are over but he wont answer. He only wrote that it is partly myfault that he is feeling so bad and I should not try to put guilt on him thathe can´t see me now.
So I guess it is over but he won’t confirm. I refuse to break up by text. I feel awful, I misshim, I know this is no good relationship but it hurts that he can’t even give me a realclosure. And I also know that if we talk, he will put more guilt on me. “Ihave ruined his life” he said. He is sick of being worried (read jealous) andthat made him sick.
But honestly I am sick of being in the other end neverknowing if he will show up as promised and if he will be happy or if he willdiscuss my bad traits for hours again.
But it still hurts.