3-1 session:
I got to the office with 7 mins to spare - around back, through the doors, down the stairs, push the button, and into the waiting room. I am the only one in the waiting room. I sit down in the chair I usually use. I pulled up the stone language song on my MP3 player. It wasn't very loud and I thought it wouldn't be easy to share it with you. I checked my phone and it was a different copy and was louder. I thought that would work. I got up and took off my coat and pulled out my notebook and ! book. I sit and wait. I am the only one around and it seems like no one else is in the suite as well. I think about pulling out my blanket. I unzip my backpack and I hear your door open. I zip my backpack up. You came out and said hi, pushed the button and headed back to your office. I followed.

I came in and thought about taking my shoes off and putting my feet up on the couch. I sit my coat on the north side of me, leaving most the couch available so that if we want to put our feet up, it would not be in the way. I sit down and put my note book down. I moved the pillow. I look down and see you are in brown boots; well-worn boots.

I say Hi, you say Hi. Minor pause, then I ask you how you are doing. You think and say you are doing good. You comment on how I don't always ask. I agree I don't. You wonder what it means that I asked this time. I'm thinking that I asked today because I have nothing to talk about. Pause. More said. I say that I didn't want to come today. Not sure if you asked or if I just continued with that I didn't know why. I was thinking that I wanted to leave and felt like I was rocking a little in that impulse. I thought I needed to leave. What would you think if I did leave? More said. I said that earlier in the day I had a moment that I was angry with you; just out of the blue. I said that there had not been much feeling, that sadness would come in for a moment and then back to nothing. Then this anger towards you. I said that there was no reason for the anger. I continued saying that it's not an 'I don't know' why I was mad, there was no reason, I just felt anger. You wonder if the not wanting to come, the sadness, and anger towards you are linked.

I'm looking about the room. Pause. Ok not much going on. I actually think about getting up and going to look at the books on your bookshelf. I ask you if you have anything you want to talk about. You say that you do not want to rob me of my time to bring up anything I want. I say that I don't have anything and that it's been a while since I last asked you if you had anything you wanted to talk about. Pause. Then you said that you did want to ask about the insurances stuff. I said that oh, yeah I heard back from my work insurance and having them cover T was denied. I told you that they used some weird code that was like other medical reasons for why I wanted to see you. I told you that I had wanted to bring you the letter and that I had called to try to get more information regarding the reason for the denial. I said that we could appeal it, though I wasn't sure of the point. You said that you thought my work insurance was my primary because of it being where I worked verse being the dependent on my wife's insurance. I shrugged, I don't know but probably. You said it didn't really matter just that you'd have to bill through mine first then go to my wife's. You said something about my wife's paying the 2 x a week without audit. Last time we talked on this you said something about slowly increasing sessions. I'm in such a weird place - increase to see if that helps bring things back or give up, accept that this is life.

As the topic wound down you said stole a few moments of my time. I shrugged it off and mumbled something about there being lots of time today. Pause. Now what. Hmm I had wanted to play the stone language song again for a little while, so I pull out the phone and start the song. I said, remember this. You said yeah 2 yrs ago. I said almost 2 yrs ago. It was in May/June when I shared it right after your first vacation and then the emergency missed session. We listened to the song, all 5 mins of it. There, another 5 mins spent. Silence, now what?

We talked about a discussion that I had had with a friend a few weeks ago. You asked me what was on my mind about it. I paused then said that I wanted to know why one negative thing can get in so deep and get stuck. You said maybe this, maybe that. You said that maybe it was a way to put up a wall to keep me from having to look at things, an excuse; something we have to navigate around. You pondered if I thought if I could convince my friend, I could convince myself. I told you that I wasn't trying to convince her anymore. You brought up the older boy and talked about him using things like this as a way to create rules, protect, and defend. I think you said something about the net here. You said that you are just guessing, that you don't know, brainstorming. I must have been giving you some type of non-verbal communication of disbelief or something for you to have said that. I think I was yeah yeah'ing you. Not really listening. You asked me what I thought. I said that I think it was because those statements fed into my fears; played into them.

I said the "always asking for stuff from you" and the "drama, that there is always drama and if there isn't something, then I come up with something", that has made it hard for me to talk about anything because what if all this is just life, the human condition. You asked me something. I said that at first, I was able to say that hey, this is therapy. It's about unpacking your drama. You said snapshots, you agreed with my statement about unpacking your drama. You asked about now. I said that what if none of it is real, what if I'm making stuff out of nothing. I teared up when I was saying that. You commented on my tearing up and asked me if I knew where the tears were coming from.

Long pause…. I looked at the floor for a long time. How do I tell you that I don't want to live this life? I look up at you and then down again. I was not grinding my teeth. This was not something that wanted out and I was holding in. This was something that I wanted to say but couldn't get the words out. I looked at you again and again back to the floor. I wanted to be looking in your eyes when I said this. I think I wanted you to see how dead I feel inside, I'm not sure. Maybe I wanted you to see the truth of my statement. Finally you said that this is hard for me to say. I nod. I look up again and start to speak and stop. You laugh and comment on my start, I laugh and say almost. Another short pause. I looked up at you and said that if this is life, I don't want to live it. You wanted to know what the 'this' was. Yep, I felt this was the indirect risk assessment portion of the session. How do you answer this question… 'this'… everything, what you see before you. I made some statement. You asked me to clarify to be specific on the 'this' and something from this new statement I don't remember. How do I explain to you what's going on inside when it's just so dead in there. I tried to explain that I didn't want the human experience anymore, I followed that up with my human experience. You asked me what living was. I didn't have words. Pause.

You were talking, I don't know what you were saying. I went back to my phone and got the song again. I started the song and jumped to the middle. I actually went past where I wanted to be, I found a good spot. You said that is living. I said yes. It I let the song play out until it got really quiet and turns deeper/darker. I said that this is my life. More was said, then you asked if I saw images when I listened to the song. I said yes. You wanted me to describe them. Again words failed me. How do one describe what it is I sense. I said that they are pictures but not pictures. So, I went back to the beginning of the song and started it again. I hummed to it and moved my hand the way the sound moves… a type of conducting in a way, I guess. I stopped humming after the first intro, and continued doing the hand movements for a bit longer. You had a smile on your face - delight(?). I was some embarrassed to show you (show anyone). I think I stopped humming because of being embarrassed. I continued the hand movements because you looked happy. [Afterwards of course I come up with words. I see the sheet music, I see the orchestra/the players and the instruments that make the noise, and I see the movement of the sound.]

When I was done, you said something about it being movement. You pondered what it would be like to draw it. I said I don't draw. I'm thinking - you can't draw what I just did. And yeah what a psychology thing to do, draw and analyze, I don't think so. I did not like this idea at all. I am pretty darn certain that is not what you were getting at, still that is where my head went. You seemed really excited about that idea. You talked about even if it was just scribbles, what colors would I pick… and… yeah, no… I don't like this idea… hmmm colors would I pick?

Somehow, I moved us back to talking about the discussion with friend. You asked me if I was exhausted after that discussion. I pondered that, trying to remember, I think I answered not really. I'm not sure. Thinking about it after, no I was pretty rev'ed from it. I was frustrated and mad. I was also worried and sad. I told you that I'd been talking with her some and she had realized that I was holding back with her. You asked me if I was still talking with another friend. I said that I was but not much last few days. I said that I had not posted on the forum in a long time, that I had not even gone to look at it in several days before today. I said some stuff about nothing I had to say was important, had value, was it really what I was experiencing.

We got back to talking about living and not wanting to feel dead inside. You said that you thought I knew there was more to things; that you thought I experienced them. I remember last year after I was past the worst of it with my arms/chest surgery, there was a period of time (short) where everything felt really good - the end of last April/beginning of May. You said "you go away and you come back". (I don't know where this statement was in this part of the conversation.) I thought about that for a moment, it was an interesting statement, one I think I want to come back to. I said that was a very long time ago. I started crying again during this talk; just a few tears and snobbery.

At one point I also talked about how I wasn't sure about what was in my head was real, if any of it was really important or meant anything. I recalled how hard it had been for me to get to accepting that in therapy all of it is important. And now I'm back to doubting.

I asked please can I have some tissue. You said something about me asking (thanked me?)You got me the tissue and I took one, you said to take as many as I needed. You sat the box on the floor in front of me. That irritated me a little and then I had an inner laugh about me and the battle with the tissue. It didn't bother me to ask this time, I was grateful that you provided, that you gave me some. [FYI PC: based on where I sit, I am unable to reach the tissue and I always have to ask for it. I have ranted to her about always having to ask in my journal but not brought it up in person. This is the first time she's left it within my reach.]

Then you said that you had a question. You asked about when we'd do the puzzle from Christmas. I was thinking that it was your puzzle, you decide when and where you put it together. I said that I had thought that we might do it today because of not having anything to talk about. I shrugged about when we'd do it. Did I say it was up to you? It is, it is your puzzle, not mine. You don't have to wait for us to put it together.

Our time was up. I fumbled some at gathering my stuff and I wasn't sure about telling you I love you. I did not put my stuff in my bag.

me: (tears) I want to come home.

you: you will

me: I want to feel again

you: you will

me: thank you

you: you are welcome… …my joy

me: I love you

you: I know

As I was packing up, I was packing up to leave, I commented about needing to get a bigger backpack if I was going to keep carrying my blanket around. You said maybe it brings comfort. I said something about not pulling it out. You said something about get comfort just from being able to see it, because the zipper was slightly open. That was not intentional; however, I did see it at one of the times I was looking down and couldn't find words. It did bring some comfort seeing it as well as some embarrassment of not getting the zipper all the way closed. I wondered if you thought that was on purpose.

I picked up my bag and went to get up. I noticed it was 6pm on your clocks (which I also know they have ran fast in the past so I wasn't too upset about it). As we were moving to the door, you told me to take care of myself the best I can. See you…. And I said Monday. Out the door, I turned and closed it. I thought about, oh yeah, I had wanted to ask you how late you see people on Tuesdays. I know you sometimes see someone after me on Thursdays. I get done with personal training at 5pm. I thought about opening the door and asking and I remembered how late it was. And I'm still not sure about it.

I was a little lost in my head as I left. I had to think hard about what my next steps were, go down the hallway… oh look someone is here in the waiting area…. Up the stairs.. Keep walking… I worried that I might not have left you enough time between sessions. At the top of the stairs, through the door. I put my coat on and looked for my badge. This took me a while cuz things just weren't working right in my head. When I finally made it to the other door, someone had been sitting on that side of the hallway. I was a bit embarrassed by me taking so long to get sorted. I headed out and walked to the train… to home.