I blame MOST of our problems on his depression yes. And so have all of the other 4 couples counselors we have seen. To which my husband has quit going each time it has come down to that.

As I noted in previous posts, it has several times been related to that of a marriage with an alcoholic mate. The alcoholic brings a specific dynamic to the relationship. Until that problem is solved, there can be no addressing "other" issues. I do agree that addressing them will be necessary. But until this core problem is settled, we cannot move forward as has been seen over the past 8 years of dealing with this.

As for "allow your husband to feel comfortable" that whole "vulnerable" argument is infurating. Why is it HIS mental problem take precident over MY PAIN???? I have lived with this BS to as great a degree as he has. I have picked up the pieces time and again. Constantly having to be the "strong one" because I am "healthy". Well then, VALIDATE ME! I deserve at least that much. Why is this such a hard issue to comprehend?

Hostility. You betcha sweetheart. Im sick of the ill person getting all the sympathy while the "caregivers" (i hate that term) are left silently in the lurch to "take care of" themselves?

So really then, I ask you. Exactly what "part of the problem" have I been? Was it when I was being supportive? Was it when I was going to therapy on my own to learn to cope and deal with the problem because he wouldn't? Was it when I played mommy and daddy to the kids all these years because he didnt' have the emotional interest? Was it when he came to ME because he was suicidal and I helped him survive? Was it when I forgave and forgave and forgave and said "lets try again" and picked him up out of his depressive stupor because I wanted to see him succeed?

Codependant? Oh yea. But not anymore. And this infuriates him because I wont engage in the arguments. I wont fix his messes. I wont make excuses. Now all of a sudden I am making him depressed because of learning to stand on my own two feet and set boundaries.

Tell me. How can I be doing everything I'm being told to do and yet still be wrong?