I've been trying to write for the past couple of days, but everytime I do it becomes all jumbled, mixed up, long and loses sense. I just can't figure out what is going on in my head, or what it is I need to get out. I know the basic stuff- that I saw my t (for the 1st time since before Christmas) and we are re-visiting my memories (or lack of)... Last year after a particularly hard session I became physically ill- so ill I ended up seriously sick in hospital the next day (medical, not psych). Those familiar 'sick' feelings are in my stomach again although I know that it will not escalate like last year. The differences between last year and this year are 1/ I am looking after myself better and 2/ last year was about facing what 'might have happened'. This year we have agreed that from a logical rational POV something DID happen- and that is what is making me feel so sick. Facing that possibility. You see, I feel unable to look at that possibility if I have no proof of it (I cannot unlock those 30 or so minutes from the 1-2 hours of 'video' that runs thru my mind).

Sorry, I have to stop there. At least I got some of it out...