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Old Mar 04, 2018, 01:11 PM
NativeSky NativeSky is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2018
Location: In My Head
Posts: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
What would be useful for me (and I've had a similar conversation or two with my T) is understanding if (and it was an if for me) and how this translated into conversations with other people. There have been times when I've shut down others by leaving (or other acknowledge/conscious action) and then other times when I've shut people down not by a lack of physical presence, but by checking out and not really listening to them.
I do have a tendency to withdraw from people in a certain way. I don't feel close to people in general. I never initiate contact, trying to get better at that. I'm always the one who's listening attentively and empathically, always there when they need me, go above and beyond and then quietly resent that I don't get the same back. But I don't share of myself, if that makes sense. So I shut them out in that sense. I don't attach to people. They can come and go and it doesn't affect me. My T is the first person I've ever attached to in my life. I'm 35.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anne2.0 View Post
My T has always been open to doing things differently when I have raised issues connecting therapy to my negative responses. For me it was really helpful to be able to articulate these things and to have him respond and do it differently. I think it's unreasonable to think that there's some kind of "right" way for therapists to be or for therapy to happen and I don't agree with the general idea that if therapist does or says something specific (such as experience counter transference) then they are incompetent. Not withstanding that some therapists are incompetent and some make more mistakes than others, I just don't think that therapy is about the therapist. I have not found focusing on what my T does or does not do and how I feel is very productive, except in the service of me generally understanding myself and how I relate to others. During the times when I've gone on and on to him about him and how he can do things differently, it seems I've needed a distraction so I don't have to focus on myself and the tough issues that brought me to therapy. Changing my therapist doesn't really help with that. Again, not saying that's what you're doing or that it's wrong to ask therapists to do things differently-- these are brave conversations to have with anyone. For me, it's that changing other people is not my goal even when they make it easy to do so.
There are definitely some very tough issues that I need to discuss with him that I have been putting off. Mostly it's because I need to feel safe in order to do so, and his distance definitely does not help with that. But things are looking up and I might be having those tough discussions very soon. My last session with him left me very hopeful.

"I'm pumped! Let's let the healing begin." - Good Will Hunting
Hugs from:
awkwardlyyours, SalingerEsme
Thanks for this!
SalingerEsme