T again today. I'm not including the whole session today, just one particularly important exchange. After exchanging some small talk, I said I had something I wanted to share with him and pulled out my printout. He asked if I wanted to read it to him or have him read it. I said either way was fine. He opted to read it while I stared out the window at the tree branches blowing in the wind. I was scared of what he'd say, that he would say he couldn't say or do what I wanted. That it just wasn't him.

Here's what I handed him:

"So, with the attachment stuff: I need you to understand that this is going to be a difficult process for me that's going to necessitate a lot of talk about and focus on my relationship with you, as part and parcel with the other work.
Here's a quote from a therapy book my friend shared with me that seemed to ring true: 'Rather than feeling comforted by the therapeutic relationship or by the growing closeness that usually occurs as a natural, healthy outgrowth of psychotherapy, the attach parts can often have the opposite reaction. As they feel “closeness” at long last, it is both a relief and a trigger. Their fears of abandonment and sensitivity to empathic failure typically intensify, often leading to increasing demands on the therapist’s time and energy.'

I think that also helps explain why I keep shifting back and forth between feeling more secure with you and then more doubtful. I'm sure the December rupture with [MC] contributed to those feelings of insecurity, too. The whole authority figure/nurturer thing.

Part of me wants reassurance, but I get the sense that's not your style, and I know it also doesn't tend to be as helpful in the long-term. But it's like I want validation that I want that. Does that make sense? Like: 'I understand what you're looking for here, that you want reassurance. I'm not going to give you that. But I do understand where the want/need is coming from.'

I know this isn't your intention. But when you talk about things like my attachment to you compared to other clients--even with you saying it's just an observation, not a judgment--it brings up feelings of shame in me. Like I'm feeling/doing something inappropriate. Like I'm being "bad" almost. I assume those feelings are coming from some other place, likely childhood. But that's part of why I react so strongly to certain things you say and why they keep flying around in my head. I don't think we've talked about this much--it will definitely come out more as we delve into parents/childhood stuff--but shame and guilt are big issues for me. This is something that [ex-T] pointed out multiple times, and she felt badly about it, but it's like she didn't know how to address it. Or maybe I wasn't ready to address it then?

I feel like I'm looking for you to say some magic words to make me feel secure and OK about the attachment stuff. Because I think I need to feel fairly secure to delve into other stuff (childhood, etc.). But I don't know what those words are (which doesn't seem very fair to you...). I think it's something to the effect of, 'I feel confident in my abilities to handle this and work through this with you. I can't promise I'll always understand or that I'll say and do the right thing, and of course I can't promise not to hurt you, but I'll do my best. I want to work with and help you.'"

He finished reading it and said it all sounded reasonable and made sense. I said OK, that was good to hear. He said he felt comfortable with the last sentence, like he felt he could say it to me. I wasn't sure if he meant just last actual sentence or last part. But I said OK. Then he said that he wanted to say it to me. I said OK, still unsure of what he meant. He went on to say: "I feel confident in my abilities to handle this and work through this with you. I can't promise I'll always understand or that I'll say and do the right thing, and of course I can't promise not to hurt you, but I'll do my best. I want to work with and help you." He made lots of eye contact in the last part.

Then he said again that he wanted to work with me. I said how in the past, he'd said that he couldn't ethically abandon me. He said, "I said that, really?" I said yes, in one of our first sessions. And that it made me feel like he was saying, "Well, I started with you, I'm stuck with you now!" He said he felt bad about that impression. And how if it was a case where he didn't think he could help me, he would have said that and referred me elsewhere.

Rest of session was about various stuff, but that's what stuck with me. That he read what i said I needed and...said he could give me that. Which...I was just expecting him to say he either wouldn't or couldn't. So in a way I'm confused, and in another way I'm really comforted. I'm just having trouble processing it all, I think. Like, wait, maybe he is ready and willing to deal with this stuff? Maybe he is in it for the long haul? (However long that is...) I just...in some ways I feel I should be doing backflips. But it's like I'm equal parts comforted and terrified...The joys of insecure attachment, I guess?