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tautologic said:
I blame MOST of our problems on his depression yes.

Tell me. How can I be doing everything I'm being told to do and yet still be wrong?

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Tautologic, what do you want? Do you want the marriage to change and stay in it or do you just want to move on now, away from the husband and his destroying depression? You can move away from the husband and his depression but you cannot destroy the husband and his worldview.

I don't think the marriage can get better with looking at it in terms of right/wrong and settling scores. I understand your anger and desire to be personally validated but I don't think that is possible in this marriage at this time? Just as you feel invalidated, your husband has dropped out of all the therapy beforehand because he has felt invalidated. His beliefs are just as strong as yours are. Looking at the people and personally validating either person's point of view destroys the marriage because the other person is not able to see or support that worldview. You all are stuck.

Yes, the way you have presented it you are right, his depression was there before the marriage and got worse while you all were married. I don't know if he hadn't been depressed whether the marriage would have been a good one or not. The problem there is, whether or not "if he hadn't been depressed," the marriage was not a good one! That can't be changed. The problem is, whether he was a happy-go-lucky young lad and the marriage was not a good one so he became depressed, that can't be changed either. Where the depression came from, doesn't matter. Whether it was his depression from when he was young or the marriage's depression, what he did still counts. If the depression gets thrown out, that doesn't negate his actions or yours. Neither of you can blame the depression, not just you.

The problems become, "I cared for the children all by myself and I felt used by you." And, "Your affair took away any respect I felt for you and hurt my self-esteem." There's no depression there, just the straight how you feel, what needs to be seen/dealt with.