i'm going through a seperation right now because i chose to focus on me and not someone else's needs. My H also has an illness, allbeit one that causes psychosis along with everything else.

People are giving very good answers i think.

The thing that stands out for me though is the need for blame in order to have closure and healing. Your intent then is to stay married? It doesn't sound like it except when you say that.

In my own case, which maybe there is a point or two you can glean, i wanted H to accept and understand the portions which i am laying at his doorstep. He doesn't. i keep trying. He still doesn't. It will continue that way until i stop trying to get that. He simply isn't going to give it to me. His priorities and needs are different, he is doing whatever he needs or wants to do to process this. Right now that means blaming me for *not* blaming his illness - ironic no?

We all do what we need to and we cannot hope to make someone else do what we need or want them to. If your healing is dependent on what someone else does then you will always fall short. This is true even if your intent is to stay married.

Others here have told you to focus on yourself and i second that. i just wanted to say the above as well. Placing your healing on his plate is not going to get healing for you, it will keep you trapped in the very cycle which has gotten you to this point. Is it fair? Not one bit. Giving care to someone with an illness of any sort, and invisible one like depression being tougher IMO, is a hard job that rarely pays out more than you give. It doesn't always pay out at all.

If your husband blames you for all of these things, then let him. Does it not say more about him? How does his belief that it is your fault make it true? Does that matter? Why? (other than that urgency for fairness) These are things to ask yourself.. when something hits us deeply it often means there is a lot of history which builds to it... that can mean your own history or simply the marriage history. My guess is that you have felt short changed, unfairly blamed, and without due credit for longer than this process... yes? Is it a theme from day 1? Does it also feed into other experiences? Is this a pattern you take with you elsewhere? Also, self questions.

your anger is valid i think, no issues there... as my T often says, feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Same here. Your anger in the thread at different themes (such as your pain not being equal to H's, etc) - these are not about what is said here. These are just words on your screen, typed in by someone who doesn't know you from eve... yet they anger you.. what i am trying to get at is that this anger is bigger than you are focussing on i think.

i don't know if you'll find any value in any of what i said. i hope you do. Either way, there is no offense intended, certainly no minimalization or invalidation intended. Personally i think you have every right to feel angry, regardless of what H thinks. You can take or toss any or all of this.

i do hope you can find your own path to a sense of peace, with or without H by your side.