Just to offer a bit of support - my husband died about three years ago, not from suicide but from something similar (I say similar because it involved a choice he could have not made - drug overdose). I understand being in so much pain you don’t see a way out. Right now I’m in the anger stage of grief, been stuck here awhile, but I imagine I will slowly morph back into the crazy amount of pain as well. It suuuucks but you have survived this long. My dad died when I was ten and I thought I’d never make it through that but I did. I hope you have a therapist to talk to. I’ve also found keeping a journal where you can write to the person if you so choose helps as well.
Most of the time I can’t handle it but it helps sometimes.