I'm doing better the last couple of days, but prior to that I'd been having a horrid time of it since late December. I tried to stay positive and not go down the slope, but it all fell apart about a week into January. The avoidance became crippling and I couldn't say anything at all here. Self-care almost completely disappeared despite my best efforts. I guess there's nothing useful or helpful about going over all the details. Suffice to say, the SI was bad most days.

Someone contacted me and mentioned there were people asking after me here on PC. Every time I'd tried to say something, it just became overwhelming and I became deeply upset. I know that sounds silly and nonsensical, because I feel that way too. But I desperately needed to re-connect with some people, even though it was immensely distressing to do so. Finally the other day, I sent a message to a few people. Squalled really. I hope I didn't upset anyone. They all responded wonderfully. And that's why I'm posting this.

Firstly, I want to explain that I just needed to get something said. Even though it was said poorly, was too harsh on myself, and possibly worrying to others. I am sorry about the last. I needed to somehow break through the barrier. And I couldn't just walk back in like nothing had happened. I just couldn't.

Secondly, thank you. You were all okay with the above. And your responses really helped. I'll try not to place such expectations on myself in future. I hope none of you feel that you unintentionally placed stress on me. That was entirely my doing, and I would have felt much worse if no one had tried to check-in with me. You have my gratitude and affection. I hope I can return the compassion and help when you need it. And I will try to better accept that the effort is more meaningful and healing than the details we fuss over.

So thank you truly. And with each others help, may your days be better than what brought you here.