Dear T,
Today I did something that caused me a lot of embarrassment (well, maybe not a lot). I try so hard to be "perfect" around others because if I am not it worries me to no end. I sometimes I feel like I have an inner saboteur just trying to make things difficult for me, why do I keep screwing things up? I somehow figured out a way using humor to dig myself out of the problem today. I feel better but I wish I could just be normal one day and not have to be so hypervigilant about myself. I honestly, really don't get interacting with people irl. I completely missed out on that lesson. How do I learn to interact in the world if my views are skewed? How do I know what is real if my thoughts/feelings aren't real? This is often devastating, and it is something that other people wouldn't think is a big deal. Everytime I have an interaction, I review it for possible "faux pas" that might have happened. I'd love to stop, but it isn't an option. What is it like for normal people to just go out to eat or go to work and not have it fodder for obsessive worrying? I am feeling like I am broken and it is painful. I feel like my life isn't so bad, but I am. But I can't get rid of myself, but I am the source of my problem. And how does one solve that?