Thanks. Trauma bond. I googled it. And I feel this could be what happened here.
There has been situations, much shorter, before in this relationship that made me very afraid to be abandoned, but so short that we just could talk about it and I could say that this behaviour hurt me, and I was a bit angry as well, but the result was he understood finally (he said) and promised not to do so again. But something else then caused similar behaviour.

Well I know I am not stupid and normally I would have seen this patterns if they came quickly. But you know, the saying about the boiling frog? if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out instantly. But if you slowly heat up the water, it will feel comfortable and not notice the heat until it is too late.
I dont know, maybe that is a stupid story.

Fact is - my closest ones say that he is manipulating, being mean, controlling and they can not understand why I still cares about him and longs for him. It is like when I have not thought about the bad things for a while my body and mind goes into another mode and make me feel like a half person.I really thought he was the one. Someone like me. I cant find joy in anything right now.

I am forcing myself not to contact him.
But it is more than silent treatment now, I Think he left because he was sick of being worried and anxious and fighting with me over it. He just does not dare or care to actual break up.
My last text was are our realationship over? You need to tell me, we need to decide, are we over - yes or no or maybe.
Well no answer. And yes this was a stupid needy text from me when I my feelings were all over the Place.

The thing is we had a magic relation first and in between. Never were so Close to someone before. The only person I could like cry to beatiful Music with, go on the roof and look at the stars at night, our kids liked each other, we planned to live together and we said love and care was more important than Money, he never judged anyone for being different, he was wise and read a lot about relationships and for him Close intimacy, hugs, laughter, trust, family were very important. Like a Dream person.

When he Went suspicious of my behaviours I thought maybe he had a Point but I explained what it really was about and thought he was too worried but I will meet this worrying with openess. Sometimes I got angry when he made me feel bad and it felt wrong. He was a man that was very very emotional and because of his stress illness he struggled to keep his everyday Life togheter, to have energy to Clean, take care of kids, recently divorced, so I tended to forgive a lot of things and wanted to "save him" -- well.

Anyway, now I can read our messaging and see the guilt he put on me, and the not normal jeaousy sometimes, or the victim attitude when I could work, travel, have work dinners and so on, and he was alone home. The only times he travelled was with me at my expense. Oh forgive me I just talk to much here, but I can see things that Went bad and then I feel OK, I better stay away, this was a toxic relation. But it is so hard to accept that this person, that I Think is a good person otherwise, how he could go from my soul mate to someone that hurts me so so bad. Its like I must misunderstand , it can not be true. He would never,... if he did not actually Think I have been cheating lying?
But the truth is he let me down in my grief and now just discard me without explaining, besides "I dont feel good, I can not see you now, but it is because what you have done to me" .

So one day at a time.
Someday it will feel better.