Hello - This my first "real" post other than my introduction. I'll try to be quick. I have been diagnosed w/ Complex PTSD. Over the past few years I have fractured my hip and received a partial hip replacement. Was misdiagnosed by 3 docs (2 from one of the "best" hosp
s in the US. After a proper diagnosis, the damage caused by dragging myself around on crutches for a month caused further damage in my hip. I also had a blood clot from being misdiagnosed. I have had an anxiety disorder for years and am on meds. Became depressed after my carer fell apart because I was legally blind for over ten years due to a very odd eye condition that I won't detail for brevity's sake. I finally was able to have risky surgery an can now see. I had a series of accidents in the home that I did not cause, such as searing ho water breaking the pitcher it was in and the water falling on my foot causing an almost 3rd degree burn. While fixing a wire on my TV, the TV fell on my head and thrust my face into the armoire shelf where the TV was, smashing my nose.

It goes on. While dealing w/ depression from not working, no longer driving due to the blindness and then not being able to work after I was better, the depression increased...as did the anxiety. I live w/ my ex which is a complicated story. I do not have the money to move and live in a very high-priced city. My cat became ill in 2014 and I kept her alive w/ help from the vet and making her life as good as possible. In a way, helping her became a purpose as I continued o search for work. I was on Disability. My mother's health was also declining and as time went on she was always in and out of the hosp. All very nerve-wracking. Two years ago, while w/ her at a beach I was taking pix of he ocean and accidentally made one step too many and fell off the boardwalk, ending-up w/ a bad sprain. Was placed in a cast and had home healthcare for PT. Shortly thereafter, following a bad fight w/ the ex, I was sent to the ER by home healthcare nurse as I almost had a hear attack. While recovering from that, heavy rains ruined the part of the house where I rent the large master bedroom. It was a mess and had to be reconstructed. I moved everything out and was displaced in the house w/ loud construction going on for 3 months.

When that ended I was in very bad shape emotionally and exhausted from moving and rearranging my items. Two months later my cat had to be put down. I have done this in the past w/ sick pets. This one broke me and I'm not over it in the sense that I cry often. Then, less than 2 months later my mother, who was 90, passed-away suddenly w.out a chance for me to see or talk to her or say goodbye. That was in Sept. 2017. I then had only one month to remove everything in her apt. She had hundreds of thing s...extremely organized.I worked 12-18 hours a day and had to donate 90% of her pristine 60's furniture and spotless clothing.... as even w/ help from a pro estate seller, her in perfect condition furniture was too dated to sell. I had to spend money I didn't have just to get everything out in time. It was emotionally and physically exhausting. I began to walk in a shuffle as I had no energy. I was running on fumes. No one beyond a few male friends seem to grasp how I feel.

When I returned to my city and home, my ex had decided to go to CODA and was backing-away from me just when I needed support. Then, to compound things, due to not being able to find freelance work (I live on a hill and cannot walk anywhere, so working via remote is best)...I fund myself falling back into the trap of taking Payday loans just to get by. I have been unable to pay full rent for 6 months after living here paying rent for 15 years. Ex decided we needed couples therapy w/ our long-ago former therapist. I agreed, thinking it was to help improve our increasing dissonance w/ each other. Instead, the therapist and ex made it all about my PayDay Loans and money. I came away from the session feeling suicidal and any recovery I had been making re: grief and regaining energy slipped back. Altho' I know I must move, my friends have no extra room, have moved away, or died. In the past I was always lucky to find places under any circumstance. I have other issues holding me back, but know that the therapist also kept pushing that I have to move out. How? No money, no job, no car and an issue w/ my appearance.

It has taken me a week to stop freaking about the session as the therapist had been informed of my Complex PTSD, et al, in advance, and yet treated me w/ "Tough Love" which I have never responded to. I have been through even more physical and emotional trauma in my life and have made it through. Now I still am living on the loans as my SSA is not large. I am in that awful cycle.

Ex is now nicer and we are trying to make how ever much longer I will be living here less toxic. I am an only child w/ very few available family members. I have found a therapist I would like to see but now I am in such debt I wouldn't be able to make an on-the-spot copay, esp at our first session.

I do function to the best of my ability. But, I am being forced by my ex to show how much I owe in loans and so on...as this has been an issue for a while. I do live beyond my means and I will have to make serious lifestyle changes. I am afraid of another blow-out when the money I owe is exposed. I do look for work, yet become depressed further as I am dealing w/ ageism and much competition in my field. I can do many things, but not w/ once beautiful teeth now stained and a bridge that fell out leaving missing teeth. Total cost for everything is mind-boggling.

Anyone have any thoughts? I sincerely am not looking for sympathy. Just understanding and not feeling so frightened. I am usually strong. I am now exhausted and constantly have to remind ex about my CPTSD and to be kind. Ex is good one day, and somewhat revengeful the next. I feel that I have trapped myself on many fronts.

Questions are welcome as I could keep on writing....

Thanks in advance.