Okay, so I have to say that, first off, my heart is feeling pretty raw right now so, though I want you all to be open with me, if I could ask for responses to be gentle, please. I already know that I was pretty naive about this whole situation. I guess that's just me. I'm sorry this is so long.

So I'd been friends with this guy for 13 years, meeting him online through Flickr. This past November, we decided to start a long distance relationship. I live in Michigan, he lives in Tennessee. This wasn't our first time talking about possibly starting a relationship; we also did so in 2016, but ended up not doing so for reasons.

Anyway, my one issue with him is that I've always been afraid he was flirting with other women online. He was never a player, per se, but I mean, he got my attention online by chatting me up, and I know that he is just friendly and has no shortage of female admirers. I said that my one request was, if there were someone he was starting to talk to locally, he tell me so I could make the decision whether or not I wanted to continue the relationship. He said he understood, and that was fair with him.

So we talked pretty much all day every day except when he was out with his friend group on weekends (playing board games, DnD), he came to Michigan on business in early January and we saw each other. I made plans to visit him, and I just spent from this past Wednesday until Monday in Tennessee with him. And we ended up ending things pretty badly.

We'd been fighting more often up to my coming down, and we'd been saying some pretty hurtful things to one another. My feelings were beginning to wan before I went down as a couple of very specific things had begun to take their toll and, a few days beforehand, I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to go, and why. He said he understood, and to make the decision I needed to. But he said he was very excited to see me, kept saying it, so I went.

We had been making plans for me to take a travel assignment near him in East Tennessee--not me move down there, but just for me to take an assignment for a few months so we could date like normal people. I even got an IUD because we would be seeing each other pretty regularly (we planned every 5-6 weeks) until I came down there. He indicated no protest, only encouragement at all of this--I asked him several times if he felt things were moving too quickly, or if it was pushing. He said, very plainly, he wanted me to be able to be nearer.

I got to TN on Wednesday, and I felt nothing. Our chemistry had just died. Long story short, it was a rough weekend of me not really wanting to be there, but not really wanting or knowing how to let go, us fighting bitterly while also having some really sweet moments, him continually asking me to stay, and me staying until it finally culminated in an explosive fight in downtown Knoxville. That night is a whole post in itself, but I saw in that night a man I don't know. Sunday and Monday were two of the worst days I've had in, probably, years.

Through all of this, all this time, I've never been able to shake that insecurity that there was someone else. It was huge and nagging and fierce. I just couldn't let it go. And I went looking for trouble. And I asked him repeatedly, because he tends to be a little closed off in some aspects of his life, and when he said, "No, there isn't anyone else. I'm not talking to or involved with anyone," the first time, I just couldn't believe him. And yeah. If you can call following the FB rabbit trail stalking, I was stalking. And today, I found a woman. And I just knew. And so I messaged her thinking well, if I'm crazy then I'm crazy and I'll never be in TN again anyway.

But I was right. She thanked me for telling her, said I should know that he asked her to spend the night last weekend (days before I arrived), and that they had also hooked up a few weeks prior to that. Then, when I asked if I could talk to her, she blocked me. They are still FB friends. I'm sure he told her I'm just a crazy chick. When I thought about the timeline, I realized that other time was a night when he failed to check in and say goodnight (which we did every night), and I fell asleep kind of crying, because I realized that, if something happened to him, how would I know all the way in Michigan? I told him that the next morning, he apologized profusely, said he was drinking with friends at his board game group, and that time had just gotten away from him. But he was hooking up.

Friends, I don't have a question. I just feel so stupid. I put him on blast tonight and found any and every way I could to contact him to ask him why. I don't even know that I was angry or sad. I feel a sense of calm vindication to finally know the truth. He kept blocking me until I finally said I will find a way to keep asking until you tell me. I don't want to talk, I just want to know. And he said, "Because you were and are a crazy stalker. I have texts. I have recordings. If you reach out further, I'll make this legal." I said go ahead--I'm telling you I'll leave you alone. But this is beyond a feelings issue; this is a health issue. You ****ed me with no condom days after you ****ed her. And the only reason I did that is because you told me I was the only one. He threatens me with legality because he thinks it scares me, because he thinks I'll lose my job if I have any legal action against me. I will not; it is a domestic dispute anyway, and I live 10 hours away. And I'm saying I will leave him alone if he gives me health information as, in the end, I told him all I wanted to know is if either of them have been tested. So yeah, go ahead. Threaten me. *eye roll* All of the texts he has show him being a massive jerk himself. *second eye roll*

I don't understand. There was just no reason to lie. Not only did I give him several outs, but I also told him after one particular fight (the night of which, I now know, he slept with her), that, after what he said, I wasn't sure I wanted to continue. I told him the day before I came, I wasn't sure I wanted to come. He just repeatedly told me how much he wanted me. I live 10 hours away...why? This makes no sense. And I know, I know. I know people do this crap all the time. But I just believed in him for so long, rallied in his corner...Now I wonder if all of the things he told me, all of the things I was rallying for were true. Did that ex really cheat on you? Or did you cheat on her? God only knows what was true out of his mouth. Some part of me sort of understands why he kept me, and it is sort of complimentary in a really effed up way (don't mistake me, it doesn't make me feel good). But at the same time, I made plans around this. I would have picked up my job to come down there.

The worst part is that I can see where he was emotionally abusing me. He says I was abusive. He used my BPD against me, I can see that now. I told him about it early on (he is also bipolar) and we talked about some of our boundaries. But the way he fought with me fed into the BPD symptoms, made them worse. And so I'd act out. And he'd tell me that the reason he treated me a certain way is because I was acting crazy, that I used my BPD as an excuse. The funny thing is that I felt more healthy going into this than ever in my life. I lost so much of myself through it, though. And yes, I degraded into my crazy self in the end. So, though he's extremely private and would likely never show her our correspondences, I'm sure he spun some tale about me to this other woman. I'm sure he told her I was abusive. He sure still talks about his emotionally abusive ex-wife, and they've been divorced for probably 13 years.

Anyway. Thank you for letting me tell this. Sorry so long. I just needed to get it out. I'm okay that it ended. I'm not really okay with how he treated me, or that I'd built some dreams around this guy I really cared about and he turned out to be someone I don't even recognize. Truly, I don't know this man. And I'm not really sure how to trust someone else, when I went into this with massive trust issues in the first place. He knew this. He knew this. And the worst part is I gave him the benefit of the doubt through everything, right up until about 909pm, when she messaged me.