Well. I haven't said everything, because that was becoming a novel up there.

Our fights could be pretty brutal. The way he fought was to drop the conversation and ignore me just as I was starting to get emotional (remember, this is all over text). And then, of course, as someone with BPD I'd freak out and start to text/communication bomb. And it would basically last for hours. I knew that it was just making me look crazy, but it was really hard for me not to react in that way. I would initially start calmly, requesting communication, and then end up completely out of my mind. His excuses for why he didn't respond were variations on a theme: He doesn't respond to hostility, he doesn't validate bad behavior, he felt I was escalating, and felt that responding would just encourage it. One time, I was just in a spiral, no real fight had occurred, and was actually behaving kind of badly, but apologized, told him that I was doing badly, and really needed someone to talk to on the phone that night. He said no, you've lost your privilege to talk on the phone tonight. It sent me spiraling even harder.

Each time we talked more calmly, I explained how much his lack of communication in those times hurt. I told him that communication would help to de-escalate, that sometimes I was missing information about a situation and I couldn't make the best decision on how to react if I didn't have all of the tools available. He told me that he was trying to protect himself, because my behavior just reminded him of his abusive marriage. I said well...but you go way beyond the point of protection. You go past the point where I'm saying "I'm sorry I said something out of anger. Please stop. You're hurting me." You just keep going, and I don't have the ability to fight you.

When I went to see him this past week, we had some pretty volatile arguments. In one instance, he was yelling at me and I pushed him away, but my hands made a slapping sound on his chest. He came at me, screaming in my face that I'd struck him, and I was an abusive piece of ****. I crumpled on the couch, crying, apologizing. He said, "No, you're done, you struck me." I said I'm sorry if I hit you. I didn't mean to, you were in my face. He laughed and showed me that he'd recorded what I said with his phone, and told me he was going to go to the police with it. I was already hysterical, and I pleaded with him not to, because I thought I'd lose my job. We went around in circles with me just getting more hysterical until we ended up on his bed with him trying to hold me, and if I didn't, then I had to leave and to tell him I wanted to stay and be with him or get the **** out.

On Sunday, when we had our extreme blow up, I texted that I wanted to key his car. And then he told me he was going to file a police report. I said, you know I'd never key your car, that we were both incredibly angry at each other, and that this fight is a break up fight. And not on Sunday you're not filing a report. In reality...in a calmer state of mind, I don't think he really has much.

I realize even as I write these things that he was extremely abusive, even as he called me an abusive pos. I think that I stuck around because I felt that I was doing things wrong, and that we were mutually trying to work on our communication. And, honestly, I didn't know things were SO bad until just this past week though my intuition had been saying get the heck out. I even signed up for a travel position about 5 weeks ago, and that night, broke my foot just doing stuff at home and am now off for 10 weeks (so, no working). I joked to my friend that it was a sign. Oddly enough, I felt in my gut that it was.

I can't believe I let this happen.

I think he may have narcissistic personality disorder. And now I wonder what was truth and what was a total lie in what he told me over all these years.