Re: my previous post (the long one; Long Distance Lie)

I began shocked. I think I believed, when I messaged her, that I was in one of my BPD crazy modes. I didn't mean to message her, actually. I accidentally hit "enter" trying to delete the thing. In fact, I had tried a work-around to retrieve the message. And I thought it worked. I'd just sent him a nice, everything is fine, we'll part ways amicably no matter what happened, I care about you, love you as a friend, etc etc email in spite of the fact that I'd had suspicions. And then I got her message.

I was shocked, my whole body shaking. Then I was kind of numb and went into find him mode, which is not so easy because find him means track him down online, and he likes to dodge and block. But really. I found out about her with a couple of clicks and by just taking a good hard look at his FB "like" patterns, does he really think I can't figure out how to contact him online? I felt calm, and vindicated that I finally knew the truth after so freaking long of feeling crazy, like it was just an insecurity I couldn't work around.

And then I cried for about 10 minutes. Sobbed. And now? I'm livid. Like, seeing red, want to run around the block in the snow (but I can't with a broken foot), want to punch something livid. I can't sleep, and I have to be up at 9am (it's for a T appointment, perfect timing). This has never happened to me and I. Am. PISSED.

Outside of my BPD, I've got some pretty black and white values that, damn it, I don't think I should have to compromise. I believe in monogamy. I believe in doing what you tell someone you will. I believe that, when you repeatedly tell someone else--repeatedly--there is no one else, that there should be no one else. And I believe that, when you choose to enter into a relationship with someone who states, in the beginning, their fear and apprehension of relationships, their fear of being screwed over, their trust issues, and, specifically, because of these things, makes the one request of you to just be honest, that's all, because I'd rather know a painful truth than deal with the greater pain of dishonesty, you have a responsibility to be ****ing honest.

The truth of what he did to me just keeps going on and on and on. Like, oh, when I was visiting him in TN this weekend and his phone pinged in the car, it was probably her. And oh, when we were at the restaurant in Gatlinburg, and he disappeared to the bathroom with his phone for several minutes, he was probably talking to her. And you know? I was going to ask him about that one. But I bit my tongue, because it's a thing, and I knew I'd had issues trusting, and we were having fun. Hey, maybe he just took it for some reading material. But, no, I don't really believe that.

So I guess I just wonder, do I really feel better knowing the truth? I don't know. I wish I could just go back to the part where we were still friends, I do know that. I miss my actual friend so much, the one who was nice to me, who didn't abuse and mistreat me. And cheat on me. That's the hardest part; I lost my friend of 13 years, and am grieving the loss of my friend. He did too, but it's like he doesn't even care.