I was worried she'd (1) forget about the emails I sent or (2) be mad about the emails I sent. But neither was true. I started by reporting in what ways I had "pushed my boundaries" over the past week, where here it is good to push myself - so examples include walking the dog. And I reported the ways I had not done this - e.g. not gone with the family to watch movies in a crowded cinema.

Then she asked if I was ready to talk about my emails - talking about the time before or after the attempt or the actual attempt. So I did a bit. I appreciated that she gave me feedback and told me I seemed depressed. I knew I was moving super slowly. I had asked her a while back to tell me when she thinks I am depressed so this helped. On the way out she made sure I was safe. She asked, 'is there anything else I can do?' I said no. Of course the answer is no. She cannot see me more than 1x a week. I can write emails and she responds - I'm still here and not going away. But she doesn't offer phone calls. I am basically stuck with the ickiness of emotions until next Wednesday.

I know I was overwhelmed by negative thoughts from Wed last week through this past weekend. I was taking all my meds then. I got my emotions in control by relying on my ED to get other things in control. By Tuesday I was feeling strong. But I knew I wanted to discuss the attempt in t, so I stopped some of my meds so that I could access those deeper emotions. When she asked in session if I had been taking all my meds, I said yes. I lied because how else can I access those deeper feelings if my meds make them inaccessible?