I saw my T today (thankfully, just happened to have made an appointment a few weeks ago). I told her I believed that I had been dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, and she said she completely agreed, citing specific scenarios I described which were classic displays if NPD behavior, as well as abuse. I know it's dangerous to be an armchair psychologist, but the signs are overwhelmingly there. And she agreed that the NPD and the BPD individuals tend to gravitate to one another. I was like, why did he do this to me? It makes no sense. She said because he told himself he was helping you. And having multiple women interested in him feeds his ego.

I am so angry, but it doesn't really help. Of anyone, I do understand this man is seriously mentally ill and, unlike me, doesn't have support for his illness because he doesn't reach out, doesn't seek therapy like I do. I feel like it must be so sad and lonely in his mind. Though I want to punch him in his stupid face, there is a part of me which feels compassion because as someone who also struggles with a cluster B personality disorder, I know that the destructive behavior doesn't come from a place of malice, but rather deep mental pain. And my anger doesn't help either of us, so. Doesn't mean I'm gonna reach out, rather just try to somehow understand, and forgive. It's hard enough having a PD with support and understanding; I would hate to be him.

This isn't like a regular breakup; I don't feel rejected or hurt in the same way. Just worn out. And it runs deeper, because of how long we knew each other. I'd believed lies for so long, and I feel like it's going to take a while to process them, and to heal from what was, legitimately, and emotionally abusive relationship.