Hey Jully. I have also been SI'ing for years. Sometimes I get "plans" or "fantasies" of what I would like to do, and that can be very scary. I start to obsess over the destructive thing that I would like to do-- very frightening. Are you seeing a therapist? I know that it helps me to voice these things to my therapist so they aren't just floating around inside me. I found it interesting that you said you want to be whole, yet you also said you want to tear yourself to pieces-- I feel similar-- and I always think in extremes. If I can't be whole I might as well go to pieces. I hope that you can find a way to stay safe. You know, it is good that you are terrified-- because that might be what keeps you safe right now. Sometimes that's all that works for me.