Dear FM,

Not what I wanted in a response! I want you to F*&$ING HOLD ME!!!

I am not into the philosophy of therapy. I am the dumb one, remember?

Me at 4:00 AM:
This is F^&#ing torturous!!!! I F@#&ING HATE IT!!!!…And I can’t do it. Tell me that it’s okay that I can’t do it FM.

Aide moi s'il te plait!

F^%$ing hate it.

One bright spot: I don’t hate me.

The little girl needs you...

10:00 AM ex therapist:

Hey my friend, it is neither okay nor not okay. It just is - you can
do it or you can't. It's about doing, not being. If you can't do
something then you can't do it (I cannot draw or paint landscapes even
marginally well,, although I sorely wish I could). Doesn't speak to
who you ARE.

Just make sure you have accurately identified 'it' - what is 'it' that
you hate, and can't do. I am most happy to hear that you have
identified that it is NOT you.

I think the significant part of the struggle here is that you have not
come to embrace the idea that it's enough for you to be acceptable to
yourself and whomever else accepts you as you are. You continue to
want to be acceptable to your family as you, i.e. not as the mother of
a 'medical student', or the earner of an honours degree. YOUR FAMILY IS NOT
CAPABLE OF GIVING YOU THIS. Yet you continue to see it as your failing
and not theirs and so you punish yourself for not being good enough.

Love you,
FM

SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS!

I see myself in for another unproductive day.

Why am I being so negative?

I have the power to walk myself out of this five-year-old tantrum.