I'm in the phase of processing where I'm in my own way. I'm fighting the belief that this was all my fault, because I know I was crazy at times, and I was bad to him, too. I understand, rationally, that he was exploiting my weaknesses. But there were some really sweet moments along the way that I don't think were fake. And some really vulnerable moments on his part. On one hand I see that the whole of it is he is likely telling people I was crazy and in love with him (I wasn't), and wouldn't leave him alone, and I came down there (he asked me) after he mildly flirted with me online a few times. And I can see, looking back, how he wasn't even that emotionally available, though he was really good at making me believe he was, because he was certainly more available than he was a year and a half ago.

There were a ton of sweet moments, and though there were some glaring inadequacies now that I look at it, there still aren't any huge red flags telling me he didn't want to be with me. But I do think in his mind, it was me pushing, obsessed with him. And it just wasn't like that. The decisions we made about me coming there, about my job, were made together. He was pushing me to be with him even when I was saying, over my visit, that I didn't think we clicked anymore, and I wanted to go home. Still loving on me, still calling me beautiful, etc. It was so confusing. I see it now as his way of trying to gain the upper hand. Maybe. Or maybe he just didn't want to be rejected. Who knows. Maybe it's the same thing.

Live and learn. It's just a mindf*** that I have to now sort out.