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Mar 10, 2018, 05:01 PM
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Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,920
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An unsent email:
Quote:
When I came out of your house tonight I felt like I wanted to just sit straight down on the pavement and cry. Loudly. Like a child who's just hurt themselves. It's okay, I managed not to. I guess that would have worried your neighbours a bit.
So, apparently you are trained in/continuing to train in working with complex trauma. I don't know if I have experienced complex trauma. Probably. I do know that judging by the symptoms/triggers/behaviour that Janina Fisher describes I at least have a lot in common with people who have. So in that case, why do I feel like you don't really know how to work with me? Why do I feel like you're baffled by me sometimes, and scared of me at other times? (You said you felt like you're going to get hit with a hammer... Hah. That's how my emotions feel for me, too.)
I felt a lot of those things with C as well. Even though you're very different. So maybe it's all in my head. Or maybe I am hopelessly, uniquely broken and doomed to repeat the same old s**t over and over again. I am very afraid of that possibility, and scared that no-one could ever really understand me.
I guess when you talked about things that weren't being said, emotions that weren't being named, you were talking about anger. I couldn't work out in the moment if that's what you were getting at or if you were talking about the warm, loving feelings that I have for you. Anyway, it's safe to say that I have all the feelings that there are to have about you. Different parts I guess. And plenty is not being said. But I have reasons for not saying anything that I'm not saying. Of course now I want to know what you're not saying.
You asked me about what it's like being in the hole, but part of being in the hole is that I'm frozen and unable to communicate. I can't talk when I'm in there. But it's lonely. It's lonely and full of hate. A "hideous, hopeless hole of hatred, hunger, infinite, idiot, mindless, meaningless, nothingness, nothingness, nothingness..."
I wasn't quite sure about what you said at the end of the session. I mean, yes - I suppose I would like you to work with me in a mostly person centred way. That must be what I mean when I say I want you to be 'with me'. But I'm not against you being directive at all or being influenced by other parts of your training. I would definitely rather you didn't try to put a positive spin on things... like I said, that kind of approach doesn't work for me, and it can make me feel invalidated and misunderstood. Maybe you want me to be happy, like I was on new year's day, watching the murmuration. I want that too. But all my feelings and all my parts need to be heard.
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