I felt exactly like you do. Just deep dark and black.. My hubby and I were fighting all the time. Except I wasn't afraid he would kill me. I was afraid that other people would break in and take my kids then kill me. I was obsessive about it. It has been 10 years of me fighting with docs just to not throw meds at me. I finally got diagnosed with BPD about one year ago. I was just like you I hated taking the pills, I just wanted to go away and start over. No hubby no kids no problems. I then decided that the only one that was going to make me feel better was me. I started writing down my feelings everyday and the food I ate, time I went to bed, got up, exercise and stress levels. I now have no caffeine no alcohol and I limit the sugar I take in (that should be easy for you but it was hard for me) I know for my body I have to be in bed at a certain time. I can have limited stress levels as well. I quit the things that I was involved in because I was running everything (I am a bit of a control freak) and I found out that I have very few friends as well. I decided that this year I am going to work on me and worry about friends when the time comes that I am well. I also have to exercise and hour a day and do meditative prayer. It has been hard changing my life because I never did any of this stuff. I also was very demanding with my meds. I tried something for six weeks if it didn't work I was in with the pdoc talking and trying something new. Sorry for rambling on but I was exactly the same place where you are, just about the exact time. It has been one year for me and I still feel tired sometimes but the blackness has gone. You can do it just take baby steps and figure out what is right for you. By the way nothing is stupid when it comes to thoughts they are really powerful things and sometimes you just have do a few little things to get control of them and it feels a lot better when you do. Sorry again for going on and on.