i am sorry things are hard right now... i can really understand the wanting to be whole... while at the same time thinking about si... sometimes i can feel where i want to cut... and the more intense the urge the stronger the "need" to follow through... i know that it is really hard to stay safe when this happens... but your giving a voice to it is a really good start... my t really helps hold me accountable... so when those urges get strong... i know he is going to ask me ... i hate that but at the same time it helps me feel safe... so see extremes seem to be a commonality... take gentle care of yourself...lynda