If I had been told at the start of therapy, that going through the process would add layers to my "distress" in terms of the actual T relationship, that there would be times where my longingness to have T in my life forever would cause such pain, the at times, terror of contemplating ending, the confusing feelings of closeness / connection, but also being held at arms length between sessions (boundaries!), I probably would never have started.

After 8 years, we have now "terminated" (hate that word). I had tried to stop many times over the last few years, but failed; this time it feels different. Although I still wish I could continue to see T, I am not overwhelmed by the thought and current reality of not seeing T again.

And now despite all the really difficult times, I am glad that prior to starting, I did not know the turmoil I would go through and that I did engage in therapy.

I now see the painful feelings I experienced as part of the "problem", the actual reason why it was important for me to go through the process. The pain, longingness for T, were actually the symptoms and I had to experience them to work through them and emerge the other side.

I understand the importance of the boundaries, however hard they were at times. Therapy is not easy, damn hard at times, but the process wasn't about developing dependence on T (although this was maybe an unavoidable "side effect"), but instead to develop independence. I see that although it would have been so comforting and safe to be "held" by T forever, that would never have helped my personal growth and ultimately that was the aim of therapy, although I did not know that at the time when I was in greatest despair.

I do not think I am done yet, in terms of my personal development / growth, but envisage starting with a new T and to have a different " relationship" with this one. One where I am more self assured, more in control, better able to direct my own growth, rather than leaning on T. I equate it to being at nursery school, relying on the care givers to look after me and now progressing to University, where I still need to learn, but don't need the same level of intense care. And realising that my first T could never be the one to take me further, no more than a kindergarten teacher could help me graduate from University. The dynamics of the relationship would have to change to achieve that and I couldn't see T in a different way, I would always be seeking that nurturance, from that "younger" place.

I am writing this, to highlight, that I can relate to all those difficult places that we can find ourselves when going through therapy. The sadness, anxiety, perceived rejection, pain, anger, confusion, for me I don't see it as T who "caused" these feelings, but instead something in me, that needed time to grow. These feelings were for me, the reasons why I needed to continue and not the reasons to stop.