Hi Jacky,

Well, I am glad you chose to not hit the tree.

I can relate to being fed up and feeling at odds, even confused, about what to do about it.

The desire to end our lives is a part of the depression we go through. It's a symptom, signaling us as to the depth of pain we are in at the time. We want help with the pain and when we feel we are suffering too much, we tend to think about any way out.

Everything in life is impermanent, including depression in a cyclical illness. Often, if we can wait it out, things change.

You are no coward! You are a very strong person, even though you may not feel that way right now. I admire you for all you do-- working, being a caring mom, etc.

I'm glad you are not sure you are ready to go! This is going to pass.

I also want to mention how much losing you would devastate your family, especially children. I'd lost my dad to suicide when I was 11 y.o. I was devastated for many years. That was the saddest time of my life and I still sob when I think about it, some 46 years later. It deeply wounded me and I've never been able to get over it.

So please, Jacky, don't give in to destructive impulses and keep yourself safe. Maybe don't go for drives in the middle of the night, especially when you are feeling despair?

Take good care of yourself, Jacky.


WC