Jacky, I'm proud of you for deciding not to do that.

From what you have written, I can tell that you know suicide is not the answer. When you say "i dont know if i want to die. I am just sick of living at this monent in time," I can tell that something positive/good is convincing yourself not to do something like this. Or perhaps you recognize that these feelings or temporary. Though more importantly, you know that despite all your negative thoughts, struggles, and feelings, you have at least one good reason to continue living. And even though the future may seem bleak to you, you do see hope.

I can see why you're confused, but you can work through this. Keep posting and let it all out. It's great to talk to people on the BP forum because we all "just get it."