Thanks for starting this thread! I feel like I can get this off my chest somewhere [emoji14]

I am not diagnosed as I am too embarrassed to go to the doctor's, but I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from social anxiety. It started a few years ago really with some kind of identity crisis. Ive always been a people pleaser, but I ended up in a situation where I felt I didn't fit in anywhere. I was absolutely desperate to be loved and so went above and beyond to try and be a person I thought the people I wanted to impress wanted me to be. It obviously didn't work and gradually I lost all sense of who I really was due to putting on these masks. It started to really bother me. I felt self conscious all the time and over analysed every single interaction, wondering how I'd performed and how I'd come across, all the while feeling frustrated that I wasn't really showing the real me and cared too much what others thought.

I think it comes from a lack of self esteem. Deep down I know I'm not a bad person. I wouldn't hurt a fly! I would never intentionally hurt someone. I just think I am not interesting enough to most people to be liked. I have different interests etc. I also have some concerns over aspects of my personality which have been criticised by family in the past (being overly sensitive) as well as having my weight critiqued a lot, and made to feel bad if I have a treat. It's kind of chipped away at my self esteem and I just never feel good/interesting enough. It's horrible. I'm also petrified of saying the wrong thing and accidentally offending someone.

Everyday I turn up to work or a social event and wonder who to be? How should I act today? It is such hard work . I wish so much I could just be me, but how do you do that when you don't know who "me" is?

I try to copy personalities of people I admire or know who are well liked, but obviously I can't do that which makes me even more frustrated, and dislike myself even more because I can't be like them. I end up "overdoing it" or trying too hard. I really don't want to spend my entire life worrying about this, but I have no idea how to solve it.

I'm on anxiety meds for OCD, but they don't touch the social anxiety. I just want to live and be happy and care less what others think. I don't know if anyone can relate !! I guess it would be good to know I'm not alone.

Phew feels good to get that off my chest though!