I'm filled with this sense that something is wrong. Horribly wrong. The thoughts are back. I'm moody and irritable... I don't want it to be true, but maybe the meds aren't working anymore. This is about the time of year that gets pretty bad for me emotionally.

I just want to be able to cry, instead of wanting to do it all the time. I want to be able to accomplish tasks, but I don't have the energy anymore. Everything is too much. My life is too much.

My friends all think I'm perfectly fine and I complain too much. Maybe they're right. For the second time in this many days, I was told that in order to be happy - I need to think happy. Yeah, that doesn't work so well on me. That's what meds do, fix the brain so it can accept happy, but doesn't MAKE it happy.

I've got a counselling appt on Monday. I know it's at 11am, even if I don't want to remember. I'm scared. I don't want to go by myself. I really don't. I just need someone to make sure I get there and that I'm calm enough that I don't freak out and leave. Sounds simple in theory.

I'm scared I'll screw up and people will be upset. I'm afraid that my friends are sick of my issues, because maybe mine aren't as bad as everyone else's. I'm terrified that my friend Mandy is going to make me crazy, and steal my friends away from me in the process by telling them lies. I don't want to drink, and I don't want to self-injure, but what would you have me do instead?

I feel stuck. With no way out. I'd love for my friends to know all of this, but I'm scared that they'd take it the wrong way. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose them. When it comes down to it, sometimes they're the only good thing in my life. And that's enough to make me start crying again.

I need to pull it together. I need to pretend to be okay. Nobody can know what's really going on in my head... I'll just chase them away again.

I'm lost. Probably never to be found, because if I was gone... nobody would miss me.