I don't want to exhaust my support resources on here, and I'm using my offline resources as well--journaling, primarily, so that I can take my journal to my T appointment on Thursday. I also don't want to exhaust my friends (I only have two I can really talk to) though they have been incredibly supportive.

Having BPD, I know that I have trouble regulating my emotions, and I know that, in a relationship, this is tested in an extreme way. I'm very stable, for the most part, when I'm on my own, and pretty happy on my own. But who doesn't want to love and be loved?

And I really wanted him, for so long. It's just that when we got together, our mutual relationship issues seemed to clash. He stonewalled, turned cold, and I crumbled and lashed out and just kept crumbling.

Regardless of what he did to me, I have to admit that I was mean in the end. I went to TN and turned cold myself. He kept saying he wanted me there (though he was already sleeping with someone else) and he was so excited the day I came...and I was not. I was cold. I pushed him away. I visibly hurt him. And maybe I deserved what I got.

I think I'm in the place right now where I'm wondering if I made him turn as cold as he did, and if I pushed him into his meanness and cheating