I’m currently struggling with the worst depression/anxiety episode I’ve ever dealt with. I sometimes feel as if I’m losing my grip on reality. I don’t have a support network of friends or family to confide in. At this low point in my life, I’m really craving sympathy.

I’ve recently tried to relate to my family members that I’m really struggling. I’m used to being invalidated by them, and I’m used to their ridicule. I think in dysfunctional family dynamics, I’m what’s known as the “scapegoat”. So my only use in my family is as the last rung in the pecking order, or as the emotional punching bag. And because of this, they aren’t able to acknowledge me as a real person.

Yet at such a desperate point, I’ve started defending myself. I’m really sick of allowing them to belittle me. But as usual, they’re refusing to offer me a shred of sympathy. Me saying “I’m depressed” or “I’m really struggling right now” is only ever met with “You’re just being ridiculous. You’re so selfish.Your life is perfect. Etc. etc..”

But I’m only 22. I’ve been in therapy for 6 years. I’ve been on close to 15 different depression/anxiety/insomnia/nightmare medications in that time. I’ve been hospitalized with panic attacks. I struggle daily to find a reason to keep going. And none of my family know this, because I can’t trust that they won't ridicule me for it. Any time I try to tell any of them, I get laughed at or insulted.

I want to retain my family’s love, but I can’t take anymore neglect. I have no solid foundation of familial trust and love. I don’t depend on them monetarily in any way. In this heightened anxious state, I feel like the ground is disintegrating beneath my feet. And they are only making this worse. Yet I know cutting them off will only make them see me as more selfish, more ridiculous.

I don’t know what to do. Is it so selfish of me to seek sympathy from my family? Am I so ridiculous for wanting to feel loved by the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally?