That was an intense session – both R and I agreed. She came in and sat down, and asked me how I am doing. This was followed by a pause.
‘It’s a big question when people ask how you are feeling. Take your time.’
‘We went to the garden centre for Mothers’ Day, and the seasonal displays hit me hard. I don’t mean Mothers’ Day.’
‘No.’
‘I had to move so that I could no longer see the Easter cards.’
‘Easter is a huge trigger. When you talk about that, I picture you holding it all together, not letting on. It sounds like an exhausting place to be.’
I made a comment that I can't quite remember about how I feel this has had a significant impact on my functioning, and there was an interesting conversation about the impact of this experience on my life. How I feel that I am fundamentally different than I was before it.
‘Absolutely – and this is avoidance.’
‘This is avoidance – what are you avoiding?’
‘You know what I am avoiding. I’m avoiding going to where we said we’d go last week.’
‘I know, but I don’t want to be the one to say it. You’re avoiding going to a difficult space.’
‘She called me into the bathroom, and…She called me into the bathroom, and….The one place I want to be at night is asleep, if that is a place. Any normal human being subjected to the kind of information I was given would have just told them to **** off.’
‘Do I hear a sense that you’re not normal?’
Cue more waffling on the theme of ‘Anyone else would have…’
‘I was not in a position to make that decision at the time.’
‘I hear some acceptance there, alongside the self-blame that comes up from time to time. I invite you to imagine someone else in the same situation you are in. It could be myself or anyone else you know – do you think they would deal with it in the same way?’
‘I did the best I could at the time.’
Silence, and then I reached for her hand.
‘She called me into the bathroom to help with something, and then…She called me into the bathroom and then….As I am saying this, my entire body is bristling.’
‘I have to be honest with you, Lost. It’s really hard for me to get a sense of what you are feeling, even though we are physically connected., I still feel as though I am over here, and you are in a different space.’
‘It’s the moment before falling, between tripping and hitting the ground.’
‘As you said that, I am picturing you grabbing at things to stop yourself falling – I might be one of those things, or being more open with your pottery tutor….To reframe that, some people stumble and they are able to land it.’
‘I feel like I need to fall flat to be able to get up.’
‘I don’t experience you as somebody flat on the floor. I think the difference between this experience and Chris’ death is that you didn’t have to try to feel anything. Now you feel as though you should be crying, or feeling emotions that are difficult to access in this space.’
‘I think what we are dealing with here is a wound that didn’t heal properly. I spent three years in a state of ‘Will she, won’t she…’ I understand why people use euphemisms, but I don’t want to. ‘Will she die or won’t she?’ And by the time I received that message, there was nothing left to feel, and then the wound turned nasty again, and I don’t know…I do know what to do.’
‘Is bringing the stuff that comes up at night here your way of dealing with it on your own terms.’
‘Yes, because the stuff that comes up at night is hard…’ I burst out laughing. ‘Understatement of the century.’
‘I sometimes feel like you have a little critic on your shoulder – ‘Was that the right thing to say…I shouldn’t have said that like that…’
‘My inner critic has a more than full time job.’
‘Something else is coming up for me, you don’t have to answer it here, it’s just for you to think…’How long has it been since Lost put her head down and just went to sleep?’ It’s possible that we become used to things, and the nights are hard because you expect them to be hard. Have you tried just putting your head down and going to sleep?’
‘It’s been a couple of years. I could be more precise, but I won’t…before mid-April 2016, certainly.’
‘It’s been a couple of years.’
We wound down then, and R asked how I was feeling.
‘That was intense.’
‘I feel the same, but it wasn’t intense in the way I thought it was going to be. Not that I have any expectations.’
We set up for next Thursday.