Dear T,
I warned you I’d get attached to you on our first session, so you set strict boundaries. But still I wonder if there’s anything I can say that will take this attachment too far.
Last session, after I said I do desperate things because I want people to see and do what I want them to do, you said twice “what do you want me to do?”
I didn’t say all of what I wanted, because I feel nothing in sessions, so technically I didn’t want you to do anything right then.
But it’s when you’re not there, that I want you there. I guess I managed to say ‘I just want you to be there when I feel sad.’ But I didn’t say how I want you to hold my hand and for our bodies to touch. I have said nothing of how I crave your touch. It is a massive need for me, but I don’t think I can say it at the moment because I feel disgusting and fat and ashamed. To want touch, I would need to be very small, like a child, be pretty and for you to like me. Actually because I am not any of those things, it is difficult for me to say a lot of what I want to say. If I wasn’t so disgusting everything would feel a lot easier to say.

After this session last week, you emailed to say you were ill and couldn’t make Monday. You said you understood this might be distressing for me and you were right. I broke boundaries and emailed you 5 tines, although you didn’t reply to any of them. I just felt really sad, not angry. I believe that you are ill. I selfishly wanted you to know how I felt, even though you were suffering too. I told you that I wanted you to be here and for you to say “I know” like you did last session. I guess we might talk about this next session. I really hope you don’t just ignore it.
I just want you to hold me and say “I know” over and over. You seemed like you really understood my pain when you said it last session. I crave that again. It upsets me so much that I can’t bring my pain to sessions, so the fact that you understand as much as you do, really means a lot to me.
Which is why I need you here now. How can I become so obsessed with you when I know nothing about you. I need you so much it hurts, but at the same time there is a strictness about you which scares me. This strictness prevents me from telling you how close I feel because how can I, when you have set those boundaries? Well turns out I can. If I told you I keep thinking you will say “there is no need for that.” Those exact words go around in my head. I want to push it and see but my biggest fear is that rejection.