I recently find myself back to the point I was: depressed, and with seemingly few positive options. I've had this therapist for a while who, at first was great I thought, but then it slowly unraveled that there was very little she could do. I've had therapists in the past, and that tided me over back when I was more naive. This latest therapist though, was ticking all the right boxes despite the fact that my worldview has been so bleak in recent years and basically trusted incredibly few people; at first blush it appeared to be a dream therapist. As I got deeper into the sessions I was basically informed that therapists aren't allowed to console or even express much empathy outwardly. This shattered my preconception of what therapy was. I thought it should be a sanctuary of sorts, and yes, while I've never been judged or anything, it's basically just the therapist saying 'mhm' or asking questions.

Yes, this therapist was good in the sense that she was always present, unambiguous, and has offered plenty of ideas. But I was to say the least expecting more personal care. I perhaps naively thought there was more consolation and all of that. Based on the many articles I've read as to what constitutes good therapy, and what therapy should entail, I had my hopes aimed high. Now, sadly, I realize there is no nurturing presence as I imagined. She told me she can't really offer sentiment like 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' etc. So, I don't really see how there can be much healing. I'm back to feeling like therapy is a big scam (this is my 8th therapist. Mind you, I haven't left many of them due to dissatisfaction, but for other circumstances).

So I'm left back where I was. Incredibly bitter and sad. Without hope. And while I've never attempted suicide, my suicidal ideation has increased more and more. My mom lacks the ability to console as much as I need; she's mostly at a loss as to what to do. What do I do from here? Are there therapists out there that offer more personal care? I've been wasting my money the last few sessions is what's for sure; and today, after clearly looking deeply despondent I was merely offered a 'hang in there'. Perhaps I was misguided. Or perhaps there's different therapists out there that do genuinely offer what I consider actual care.

But this has been almost like a bad break-up, if I had to suspect that's what it feels like; never actually experienced such a thing. This may sound bad, but I think part of what makes this so bad is that this person - yes, I'm talking about the therapist - is incredibly beautiful and intelligent (I felt somebody like this would be even more secure with themselves) - now, before you cast judgment, realize all I'm saying is it makes the sense of 'rejection' (perhaps not the right word) seem all that much worse. The apparent coldness stings that much more.

Needless to say, I'm shattered. Weird, I know. It's hard to say why completely, but my OCD factors in. But so much of my hope hinged on this idea that there's this benevolent voice of reason out there - with the right blend of compassion and intelligence. Now that small (I say 'small', but truthfully it provided me with tons of hope knowing that there was that one person out there who understood it all. Who got it all.) flicker of optimism I had to cling to is slowly burning out.

And please, no 'I was lucky enough to have a parent that genuinely understands and cares..' sanctimonious posts. That kind of **** doesn't really help.