I have been congratulating myself for making it through November and December this winter without getting too depressed or having any significant suicidal thoughts. Usually that comes around at least once a year for me or sometimes more. I was doing pretty good, but have been slipping the last couple of weeks.

Not quite to the point it was five years ago, but all the similarities are freaking me out. I've told my history here before, and it's in the "Personal Stories". There are so many things that are the same though. Back then, there was extreme cold and fog that settled in and stayed for 6 weeks without breaking. Right now there is so much snow, and it has been so cold, and they are saying we won't see the sun for another week at least.

Back then I was dreading going to court for not knowing that I had hit another car trying to get out of a Wal-Mart parking lot when other cars would not give me enough room and had parked only a couple of inches from me and wouldn't move to let me out, and my anxiety was off the charts from the crowded store 2 days before Christmas. I couldn't deal with everyone blaming me and accusing me of such a terrible thing - hit and run (though nobody was hurt and I really did not know that I had hit anything - all I felt was my anxiety and the need to get away from all the people), and that they wouldn't try to understand my side of it and what I was feeling, or even let me tell my story.

This week (Monday night) there were 200 crashes because weather and driving conditions were impossible. I was one of them. My little plastic Saturn ran into the back of a Hummer when cars in front of me were slowed or stopped, and my brakes failed. I did my best not to lock the brakes and spin, and was able to steer to the right some, but not enough. There was almost no damage to the hummer, but the damage to my car would cost more to repair than the car is worth. I only had liability insurance. As I was sitting there waiting for help I was thinking it should turn out okay, as surely with this weather they couldn't blame people, and there must be some provision to help people who are victims of the weather and impossible roads (6 inches of slush on top of ice on a downhill slope). I wasn't going fast, and I tried to stop over like 50 feet, but my car picked up speed anyway. But the officer insisted he had to give a ticket, so I lose my car and get blamed and penalized additionally.

The other common factor is tooth pain. Five years ago a couple of my teeth suddenly crumbled and fell apart, and I had such miserable past experiences with dentists, that I avoided going, and was in a lot of pain. Recently I've been grinding and gritting and clenching my teeth a lot, due to stress and anxiety I suppose, and can't seem to stop. At least one tooth broke and is starting to hurt, and I'm getting headaches a lot too.

So the combination of cold, dark, pain, and blame, combined with worrying about money and other issues is a particularly bad one for me, especially in January/February. I manage for a while, and then just can't anymore. Yesterday I got through the first half of the day at work, then cried and was unproductive from the afternoon on, after talking to the towing people who have my car and finding out more about the damage and my options.

I couldn't deal with going to work today, and I'm afraid I'll run out of available leave way too fast at this rate. I never had paid leave available before, and it's hard to ask for it, and I don't want to use it up or appear to be abusing it.

I had been thinking about looking for a new car before this happened, but wanted to pay off debt and refinance the house first. I wasn't ready. But I guess I need to go car shopping.

I do feel a lot better supported than 5 years ago. I have PC, and therapy, and some friends. I'm not nearly as isolated as I was then. And DH understands better than he did then, isn't taking my feelings personally so much or blaming me for them. I have a direction in life that I didn't have then, and hope for the future and the possibility of a career. Back then I couldn't see any options, and it felt like nothing would ever change and nobody cared.

I started this post last night, and wasn't able to finish it then. Meanwhile, T wrote me back and said</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
This isn't 5 years ago. This is now, and you can do better than you could in the past. Build on your strengths and remember that helplessness is a (not fun or healthy) coping strategy that you are now trying to retire.

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Maybe I'll make it through this time better than I have before.

Rap