So these past few months have been a battle between dealing with my past and my insecurities, and in the middle of a very bad marriage right now. I have been doing regular therapy and trauma therapy through all of it.

this past week or so, I have found myself hiding, hiding from both my T's, and my family, my extended family not my kids. Both of my T's and my siblings are worried about me, and I get that, but I asked them to just please give me some breathing room right now. I just feel like everything is crashing in around me, and I am flip flopping from marriage issues to my past issues and abuse issues.

My husband is now challenging me on everything from the kids to the house to the financials, and my lawyer and his lawyer have been trying to come to an agreement for the legal seperation, in the mean time he and I are still under one roof, and it isn't the best of situations, for me anyway, I take everything as my fault.

I talked about stopping the trauma sessions while I go through the seperations, but both my T's feel that I need to recover from past issues to deal with present issues. The trauma therapy is moving along, but it is so flippin painful and everytime I have a session the suicide part of me rears its's ugly head. Last weekend I flipped from drinking to pain meds and I don't know what part of me decided to stop or I was going to OD, but I did stop.

I just don't know what is right or wrong for me right now I guess, do I listen to my T's and continue, part of me just wants to stop the seperations proceedings right now, and deal with the marriage until I can be strong enough to stand up to my husband!

Am I making any sesne, or am I just chasing my tail around and around!!!!