T today. We went back and sat down. I told T how someone was in my seat in the waiting room. He said, "How dare they! We might have to change your time if this keeps up." I said, "Or I could pick a different seat. Or, I guess, get here earlier." T looked at me and said, "I like your shirt. At first, it seemed like an office jacket, but actually it's just a button-down shirt." I said, "Uh, thanks. It's really a cardigan that looks like a button-down shirt."

He asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I guessed the stuff with the handwritten paper from last session (don't think I actually wrote that one up, though I wrote up the one where we did the exercise that led to the writing). He said how when he read my e-mail, he thought more about how he'd responded. That in emphasizing that he may have written it, but it was my words, he was trying to make sure I didn't think he was the one coming up with the words. How they were my words. I said I knew that, but he was also kind of translating what I was saying. He said he was condensing it down to fit the paper, but he was also confirming what he was writing with me before he wrote it. I agreed.

I said I thought how maybe part of it was that I'd shared all that stuff with him and he'd seemed really accepting of it. He asked if I thought maybe it was a transference sort of thing. I said maybe. But in a way, if it was that, I didn't want it diminished to just being that. Like I thought it was more than transference, the powerful effect it had on me.

I said how one thought I'd had was how his writing the words, in cursive, it reminded me of my high school journalism teacher signing my newspaper when I graduated. How both had included the word "special." So maybe that's what was affecting me. T said that made sense. I said how I also didn't tend to see much written in cursive anymore, so maybe that's part of why I made the connection. Also that they were both authority figures.

T said he didn't like using the term "authority figure." How he felt like therapy was more of a partnership. Gesturing with his hands, he said how he thought we were more on the same level and working together. I said, "So it's not like you're up here," gesturing up high with my hand. He said no, that if anything, I was up higher than him. That I was the expert on LT, while he was the expert on psychology. That we worked together in the way that, say, the financial person and the sales person in a business work together. Each is equally important in their roles. I want to say he called it a "power collaboration," but I could be wrong on that term. I said I liked that idea.

Back to the written paper. I said I thinI said how when I told him about it, I figured that maybe he'd say that other people had similar strong reactions to seeing their words written. T: "No, you're the first one to say that." Me: "Oh..." I said I was trying to figure out why it was so meaningful, besides the teacher thing.

And also, in thinking about it last week, I'd gotten angry at MC. T confirmed whether I meant last week vs. my session yesterday. I said last week. That when I was telling T the words that particularly affected me, there were actually 4, but I'd only mentioned 3. How the last one was "loved," but that I was scared to mention it. Because I wasn't sure if T was thinking it was because he had written it. How all the stuff with MC made me scared of talking about certain words with him. And I hated that. How it's affecting other relationships now.

T didn't seem particularly concerned by the L-word reference. But he did ask more about MC. I shared some stuff from the session, including how I said I felt he'd retraumatized me. And how he was saying it showed I was "responding," not "reacting." T looked puzzled. I said it was apparently a sign of growth? Which I guess was good. But most of what MC said was stuff like that like about how expressing my anger also showed growth. I said to T that I was sorry for generalizing T's and being critical of them as a group, but it was a very therapist-like thing to say. T said, "It's OK, criticize away!" I said, "Yeah, I already have" (referring to other stuff with him, too).

I said how H had spent the first part of that session talking about his shoulder injury and physical therapy. I told T how his first PT session had been the morning before (same morning of the MC session) and how it had gone fairly well. T said, "Really? I thought those were usually pretty rough." I said he'd said it was OK. How he'd do 6 weeks of PT, that they didn't think he'd need surgery. But that it would take him 6 months to a year to be back to where he was. And how H was saying in session that if he got to only 80% of where he was he might want surgery, so he could get closer to 100%. T made a face. I said, "Yeah, I'd want to avoid surgery, too, it scares me." T said, "Yeah, I don't like surgery, all that blood and liquid and stuff." I said how the only one I'd had was my C-section, and with that was just spinal anesthesia, I didn't get put under. I said how H had made the mistake of looking over the curtain during it, and T looked stricken and said, "Ugh, don't tell me!" I said, "Sorry! Don't want to make you sick."

I mentioned how in session, MC had asked H what his thoughts were, and he said, "I don't have anything, you lost me." T said maybe he tends to zone out during that sort of conversation, like he thinks, "OK, LT and MC are talking about their relationship, so I'm gonna turn up the '80s hair bands in my head and focus on that." I said yeah, maybe he does do that...

I think I was referring again to his being accepting, and I mentioned how it never helped me when ex-T was pathologizing. Like a comment she'd made about how I'm the only person with OCD she's known with a messy house. And T said that’s very inaccurate. I said yeah, because there are different forms of OCD. He said also that people with OCD tend to be procrastinators. I raised my hand. He said (knowing that I’m a perfectionist) the perfectionism can do that. I said exactly.

At some point, we ended up on a tangent about how T's are portrayed on TV, which then led to him saying how cops feel the same way, that they're either portrayed as much more or much less competent than they really are. Chatted about that a couple minutes. Then he apologized for taking us off track. I said it was OK, that it was on me, too.

He asked about the handwritten paper again. He seemed really persistent in wanting to understand, which I appreciated. I mentioned about how maybe it's partly the fact that it was handwritten. How maybe I should try an experiment and keep a journal by hand for a bit, see if that feels any different. He said that was a good thing to try.

March Madness (college basketball tournament with bracket) came up at one point, and I mentioned how I'd won H's work pool a couple years ago, partly due to MC's advice. T was like, "Wow, look at you." I said yeah, though last year didn't go so well. I shared the "Moron" story about MC from the year I won, how I'd said to him, "It's the one you helped me with more on," which sounded like "moron." T laughed, and I said how MC went out and asked the receptionist if she thought he was a moron, then as I was going to leave, he gestured for me to wait, then asked, I assumed his next client, a teenager, if he thought he was a moron. Of course he didn't know how to respond. T said, "Sounds like MC had too much coffee that day!"

We talked some about my career and how to handle not getting in the PhD programs I'd hoped for. How I was going to apply to some more jobs, but I wasn't quite ready yet (I do freelance work now, this is about getting a job in my newer field). How I was kind of grieving not getting into the programs, how the thought of applying for jobs again and maybe just not hearing back (like before, when I'd applied for like 50 jobs) was kind of soul-crushing. He was empathetic. And then he suggested that I take some time to focus on what I really wanted to do, what my priorities are (like ideal job vs. shorter commute, etc.). I said that was good advice.

It was time to stop. He said he would be in Friday, and I said I'd go ahead and schedule. So we did. At first I said I'd take the first option, then was like, "Wait, actually I'll take the other one. I must be the most annoying scheduler ever." And he said, "No you're not." Then I said I supposed I should schedule for Tuesday, too, and he said it's good I mentioned that, because he wanted to be able to put me in my usual time slot.

Went over to pay. He handed me back credit card and slip to sign. I signed slip and, not paying attention, put it in my purse. He said, "Uh, I need that." Me, "Huh?" Him (gesturing): "I need that paper." Me: "Oh, I'm sorry!" and handed it to him. He said I didn't seem the type to deny that I'd been to see him, but just in case. We shook hands, and he said, "Have a good rest of the week!" I said "You, too." As I was leaving, he said something I couldn't make out. I said, "What?" He said, "Be sure to fill out your bracket!" I laughed and said I would. Then headed out.